See see my playmate.

You know, friendship is a fickle thing. Or, at least, it can be. Especially in the case of girls/women. The evolution of a friendship over the course of a lifetime is a fascinating thing to explore. Recently, I had a conversation with a friend (let's call her L for all intents and purposes) in regards to how her social circle had changed drastically after she had her children, and how it seems to continue to evolve with each year that passes. L was having trouble with one of her friends understanding the limitations of having children at home, and wanting her to come out and party with them, and "act her age". L is 29, and has two beautiful children at home. What is considered 'acting your age' at 29? How about 25? 35? It really upset her that her friend was treating her that way, and I couldn't really give her much advice, other than trying to delicately say that her friend probably wouldn't understand until she had a family of her own. How do we have so much in common to start out with, and so little only a few years down the road? Just as in a romantic relationship, people in friendships can also grow apart. 


I can definitely say that I have experienced a similar phenomenon since even before I had my Sprout. It all started when I got pregnant...(cue dreamy harp music and a cross-fade transition)


I remember telling my friends that I was pregnant. The ones that seemed the most excited were the ones who were closest to that same stage of life - the friends who had children in their minds for the near future, and were engaged or already married. My other friends were excited too, but it appeared to resonate less with them. Once I gave birth to my beautiful Sprout, my friends called, came by to visit, and mostly kept in touch via text, email, Facebook, or the like. As Sprout has grown, I have lost some friends and made new ones along the way; reconnected with people from my past, and started to phase others out. I have 'cleaned' out my Facebook group, making sure that I don't have anyone that I couldn't actually relate to in my list of friends. I didn't want just anyone having access to my multitude of photo and video albums of my growing family. I have grown more protective of my children and who I want around them, influencing their little lives. In a nutshell, I have changed. Shifted my priorities, and altered what I look for when I meet a potential new friend for the first time. 


Now, I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful and small group of friends whom I like to refer to as the 'close' ones. Most of them are married and are having kids, or have done so already. The few friends that I have kept who don't fall under those criteria have maintained their connection with me by making sure that I still know who I am, underneath the surface. They ensure that I remember where I came from and who I was before I became a wife and a mother, and remind me not to lose touch with that woman. They play a pivotal role in keeping me sane, otherwise. I have chosen carefully who I want to spend time in my home, and with my children. Am I sad that I had to phase some of my friends out of my life? Sometimes, yes. But, like I said before, people can grow apart in friendships just as often as they do in a romantic relationship. The reconnections with people from my past who are in a similar life-stage right now have been wonderful, and some have also been surprising. 


When you become a mother, new friends usually come from your kids. They meet someone in a class, or at an outing, a birthday party, or at the park, and ask if they can come over to play. I met some amazing friends when I first had Sprout, and brought her to the New Moms Network put on by our local Public Health Unit. We probably didn't have that much in common to start out with other than our babies, but that, along with compatible personality types, was enough to strike up conversation week after week and continue to have weekly playdates and visits until the kids got older and some of the moms began to return to work. Would we have somehow met and been friends otherwise? Maybe. Probably not. Even still, those ladies are still some of my closest friends. 


Having children changes everything in your life. Your body, mind, heart, marriage/relationship, family, priorities, and friendships. Back to my friend L. I thought a lot about what she said, and the trouble that she was having maintaining her friendship, and my heart just hurt for her. A week later, she called me in tears and said that she had sadly decided to sever ties with her friend. I told her that I had to do the same a few times before, and that if she felt like it was the right decision for her and her family, then it was. It happens. As you travel along the road of your life, some people remain beside you, and others veer off on a path of their own. It isn't anyone's fault, but it still hurts when it happens. People move on, and find others that are on the same path or road that they are. The best advice that I can give is to surround yourself with people who make you feel happy, and good about yourself, wherever you are in life. For me, that means low drama. I don't deal with it, don't put up with it, and don't want it around my family. The majority of my close friends get that, and have it high on their list of criteria for what they look for in a friend as well. 


I hope to try and influence my children positively with their own choices for friends, and teach them different strategies for dealing with friendship fallouts as well. Sprout and Seedling, being a friend can be difficult sometimes. There is no way t0 completely avoid people that cause drama and problems, but there are right and wrong ways of dealing with it. Sometimes you will be able to reconcile, and other times you won't. I pray that I am teaching you both the right way to diffuse drama, how to be a good and caring friend, and nurturing your natural empathy and compassion for others. I know that you already have some wonderful friends, and I hope that you all grow together on similar paths (I like all of their mommies too, so it would be nice if that happened!). I love you both with all of my heart. 


xoxoxoxo
Mommy