The post I'll get in the most trouble for writing.

Ugh. I have been avoiding this post for a while now. I think it's finally time. Maybe you should read it through covered eyes? I know I probably will. I needed to get this out there though. Here goes nothing.

Have you heard the word 'entitled' lately? How about the words 'poor work ethic'? It seems like as time goes forward, I hear more and more of these types of words and phrases condemning the youth that are becoming 'adults' (I use the term very loosely) in our fractured world. In concurrence with that, I see a lot of other words in the news that pop up...like 'attachment parenting', 'positive discipline', 'no-zero policy', 'no chasing games at recess'. The list could go on forever, honestly. Why am I bringing all of these things up in one paragraph at the beginning of a blog (the second in the last week, I might add - patting myself on the sunburned back a bit), one might ask...because I believe they are directly related.

I'm sure I'm not the first one to blog about this, write about it, talk about it, or anything, but it is something that keeps coming up, and unless we (as parents and members of society in general) initiate some changes, there will inevitably be a huge decline in the general functionality of the generations that come after us.

These words and phrases are a problem. What is happening to our youth is a major problem. We live in a society that thrives on instant gratification, and tiptoes on eggshells around our children. It needs to stop. Actual parenting needs to happen. Not the 'I will never raise my voice, ground my children, stop them from bullying other kids because they're expressing themselves and their emotions' kind of parenting that I see on the playground. Parenting. Consequences. Not giving your children absolutely everything they want and allowing them to run your life, your schedule, etc. I'm not saying that your children's lives won't dictate your schedule and that you won't have to shuffle things in your life around them as they grow, but I don't think that saying no is a bad thing. I don't think that raising your voice is a bad thing. I don't think consequences are a bad thing for a child to learn.

Kids need to be allowed to play and get hurt sometimes to learn some responsibility for themselves. I'm not saying that if they're doing something dangerous, you should just let them do it and learn on their own ("Hey...Jimmy's playing with a really sharp knife and a set of matches...he'll figure it out, I guess..." - NO.), but they don't need someone standing over them 24/7, not allowing them to do anything for themselves. It doesn't WORK in the long-term. If you are constantly doing everything for your child, they'll never learn to do anything on their own. That includes their homework. Don't get me started on school. Seriously. The 'no-zero policy'? That is an absolute joke, and it makes me crazy just thinking about it. So kids can basically just do nothing now, pass and move on, and get rewarded for poor work ethic. If there is a child who is struggling, really struggling, and they try and give it their all, and they finally pass a class alongside a kid who didn't give a shit, flew under the radar, handed in a couple of assignments and also gets to move on...does that not just teach them that they did all of that work for absolutely nothing? How does that teach them about how the real world works?

I'm going to back up and talk about 'attachment parenting' and 'positive discipline'. While there are some definite plusses to both of these, I believe that the parents that have gone way overboard with it will continue to feed the generation that doesn't know how to do anything for themselves, and cannot take criticism, constructive or otherwise. There is a generation of kids who cannot take no for an answer (because someone has always said yes to them), expect everything to be handed to them without working (hello 'no-zero policy'), and want instant gratification - they never have to wait for a movie, tv show, or album to be released. It's online and able to be downloaded illegally weeks before its actual release date. Nobody has yelled at them (thank you, Orange Rhino blog lady), nobody has doled out actual consequences that mimic what they will deal with from day to day in their working and personal life as adults, and nobody has told them that they have to actually try to maintain relationships, friendships, etc. It takes effort.

Life.
Takes.
Effort.

It is rewarding. That is the saddest part to me about all of the changes and this entitlement that seems to be a growing disease. Not knowing the reward and the feeling of hard work finally paying off.

Parenting.
Takes.
Effort.

I'm still learning, every single day. I'm learning my limits, what works, what doesn't work, and that what worked today may not work tomorrow. I'm sure for a large number of people, the parenting tactics that are being thrown around today work very well for their children. Never say no, let them sleep with you until they outgrow either you or the bed, breastfeed them until they are 7 (I'm not against breastfeeding in general, although most of you know I hated it...this is just referring to the people who continue to breastfeed their children for more than 2-3 years), do all of their homework assignments for them, talk to their teacher about every test they do poorly on (because it must be the teacher's fault), let them have everything and anything they ever want (not need, want), and then send them off into the world and expect them to be able to function like the rest of us. I'm sure I will probably get a lot of people angry with this blog, because there are those out there that are really into 'attachment parenting' and 'co-sleeping' and 'late breastfeeding', and I'm not saying those are the sole reasons for what is happening, but I do think that this shift is not necessarily a good thing for our children as they move forward in their adult lives.


I love my kids. I would love nothing more than to cuddle them and coddle them all of the time.
I want to protect them. I don't want them to fail and feel poorly about themselves. I don't want them to feel like they had the parent who never gave them anything they wanted. That's not what I want.

I want to raise children who have respect for others.
I want my children to be kind to others.
I want them to be able to function without being completely dependent on me.
I want them to be confident, assertive, independent, in all of the best ways possible.
I want them to know that it's okay to lose your cool sometimes because it's human. You get the opportunity to apologize.
I want them to know that it is okay to fail, even if you have tried so hard that you feel like crumbling.
I want them to know the feeling that you get when you have worked so hard that you feel like crumbling, and it finally pays off.
I want them to know consequences for their actions.
I want them to know that love doesn't come from a store, and that it takes effort and time to grow.
I want them to be able to reciprocate that love, and learn to be patient about it.
I want so much more for them than what seems to be the trend in parenting lately.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to judge. I don't think that if you are trying to not yell at your kids, that you should just yell at them. I just think everything about parenting right now is coming from this angle of 'shhhhh...don't poke the sleeping bear', if you catch my drift. Innocence should be protected. Children should be allowed to be children. Sigh. I've probably gotten myself into a heap of trouble already, so I should just stop. Know that if you meet me at the playground, and you're hovering over your kids, I'm not going to judge you or talk about you when I get home. That's not my style. I'll keep reading articles in parenting magazines that tell me I should be wearing my kids in a wrap until they are 4, and I will still think that it's ridiculous. For me. And as much as I won't judge, I will be sitting at home wondering and thinking if it really is all of the things I mentioned making kids into shitheads, or if it is just a huge coincidence that they all seem to be newsworthy at the same time. Parenting is just a game of roulette, when it all comes down to it, and we're choosing the numbers and colours we hope might end up working.

I hope there is a shift. I hope there are changes. I see little things floating around Facebook and Twitter. Comments from other parents who have a similar outlook. I talk to parents at the playground, the splash park, the library, dance class, gymnastics, and school who also feel the same way I do. I know I'm not alone in thinking my crazy thoughts. Here is my final plea:

Love your children. Love them enough to teach them how to function like responsible, well-adjusted adults once they're ready to flee the nest (can't think about that one yet - makes me sob). Love them enough to know that you don't have to follow a manual or someone else's idea of what kind of parent you should be (especially me lol). Love them enough to take matters into your own hands instead of always relying on what someone else is doing, and be the kind of adult and parent that you want them to grow up to be.

xoxoxo
C.

If you change your mind.

Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I have a difficult time making tough decisions. Anyone who reads this blog knows about the struggles we have gone through trying to figure out exactly what the 'right' thing to do with Sprout for school next year will be. Anyone who has ever had a child going into kindergarten will be able to relate extremely well to what we have gone through. Anyone who also lives outside of town, has sent their kids to private school, and has struggled with the idea of homeschooling will have felt many of the emotions that we have felt. Here's the thing: I thought I was done feeling all of those things as soon as I made the very firm (in my mind) decision to homeschool Sprout next year for kindergarten. Turns out I wasn't.

I made my decision. I bought supplies. We talked about it. Planned it. Wrote out calendars. Pros and cons lists. Discussed my work schedule and the kids' activity schedules for next year. I should have felt at peace about it all, right? I didn't. And I couldn't.

Couldn't.
Sleep.
Think.
Eat.
Repeat.

I had spent countless nights laying awake and having panic attacks thinking about the whole ordeal. How would I possibly have enough time to be their mom AND their teacher? How would we keep those relationships separate? What about my job? I love teaching dance, and I eventually would like to go back to doing massage therapy again at some point. How would I be able to have a fulfilling enough career and allow for growth of the dance studio and my massage practice if I homeschooled my kids? How would they learn that they can function in this world independently? There were so many questions, and while some of them may seem silly, trivial, or selfish, I kept praying that God would send me the right answer.

He did.

One sleepless night, around 2:25am, I rolled over to see the whole stack of magazines on homeschooling and catalogues by my bed. I looked to the other side of my nightstand to see my Bible and devotional book sitting there. Two separate piles. Now, don't get me wrong. I had been so sure that God was leading us in the direction of homeschooling, but then I wondered why I still felt so much stress and unease about that decision. In that moment, I felt like I was being presented with the option of being and remaining in control of the situation (homeschooling) or letting go of the control and following the path that we had originally felt so strongly about in the first place (private Christian school) that felt more like God leading us. For those of you who don't believe, I understand how this may seem like a really fluffy and somewhat ridiculous way to make a decision, but regardless of your beliefs, I think that we all recognize things that some call 'signs'.

I talked it over with the husband. He had been reflecting on the idea often as well, though he hadn't been saying too much about it. We both came to the conclusion that despite the length of the bus ride, despite the cost of tuition (don't get me started...it makes me a little vomity to think about it), the decision to send Sprout to the private Christian school was actually in everyone's best interests. Not to say that we can't change our minds as time goes forward, but for now, this is where we are at. Do I have anything negative to say about homeschooling? NO!! I have nothing but the highest respect for those who do it, and I really think that if the situation presents itself differently in the future, we may actually go for it, but for this year...for right now...we aren't. It doesn't feel right.

Which brings me to...

KINDERGARTEN. ORIENTATION. PARENT MEETINGS. BACKPACKS. BUS RIDES. LUNCHES. RECESS. PARENT-TEACHER INTERVIEWS. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Despite all of the fun I know she is going to have, how in the world is my sweetest, first baby, little darling Sprout already old enough to go to school?! (Cue crying, and lots of it)

I can't even think about it. First parent meeting tonight. Kindergarten trial/orientation tomorrow for 2.5 hours in the morning. They are assessing her. The thought makes me laugh, because I know (and not even trying to brag) that she is going to blow them away with her reading/writing/math skills, and it also makes me weepy, because I am going to miss being a part of all of that. I'm going to miss having her around all of the time. I am also grateful to be able to have one-on-one time with Seedling, because he is a little menace that needs some of that focused attention for a couple of years before he too hits school (so he stops hitting other people...).

Sprout, you are a wonderful human being. A beautiful, marvellous miracle that I cannot believe I was blessed with. Your smile, your laugh, your kindness, your sass. On one hand, I just want to keep it all for myself, and on the other hand, I am so excited for you to be able to share and grow in who you are through the guidance of your teachers, peers, and parents. My greatest wish for you is that God continues to guide you and lead you through your life in the most blessed way, and that your heart never hardens, your smile never fades, your laugh never quiets, and your sass finds its way into the lives of others. I hope you sing, dance, write, read, and do all of the things that you already love. I hope you learn to love them even more, and find new things continually that you can do to make yourself and others happy. I just love you, sweet Sprout. All the way to the moon and back.

xoxoxo
Mommy

Who knew?

There are so many things that I have come across as a parent that made me stop abruptly and shout (in my head, mostly), "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS?!"

#1: Why didn't anyone tell me that I would feel so much guilt after I had my kids? It is a little ridiculous, and if you're already a parent, you'll understand exactly what I mean. What's that? You bought yourself a pair of jeans? That money could have gone in your child's college fund. GUILT. Oh? You had a bit of a mommy-meltdown and yelled a little too much today? GUILT. You desperately want to get out of the house and have a night to yourself? Aren't you supposed to want to spend all of your time with your kids? GUILT. It's bullshit, really. Nobody told me how often and how much this parental guilt would pop up. Don't get me wrong, it's still worth it. Crap. Now I feel guilty for complaining about all the guilt.

#2: Why didn't anyone tell me that society makes you feel like a shitty parent. ALL the time. Social media is the worst, because you will see pictures of your friends' super clean houses and wicked awesome Pinterest crafts with some sort of monthly or weekly (or daily, for the super-achievers) theme. You'll wonder why on earth it's 3:45pm, you're still in your bathrobe, your kids are having their 30th screaming match of the afternoon (since they woke up from nap at 3:30pm), and somehow you forgot about the wet laundry in the washer last night. Oh, and you'll probably be having scrambled eggs and toast for supper, because you totally forgot to plan anything. Again, I have super-mom days where the house is spotless (kind of), the kids have played nicely (sort of), and there have been crafts, and baking, and I could post (and probably have) mom-brag photos of it all. Don't worry. Those days happen maybe once a week, if I'm really lucky. And don't get me started on the looks of disdain and/or pity in the middle of Costco when my kids are playing meltdown-tag on rotation. People suck. Whenever I see a mom bravely marching through the grocery store, ignoring the screams of her indignant preschooler in the shopping cart, I smile. Give the nod of approval, even. If I see a parent choosing to walk right out of the store, dragging a limp-noodle, bellowing toddler behind him/her, again, I might just laugh or shrug my shoulders. Do you know why? We've all been there as parents. If you haven't yet, you will someday. Be ready for it. The looks of "control your child" OR "oh, that poor, poor woman who can't control her kids..." are enough to make me want to throw something. It has seemed to get better with time, but most people we encounter during our tantrummy outings still suck.

#3: Why on earth is it so incredibly hard to figure out what to do when your kids start hitting the dreaded school-age? Okay, okay. It really wasn't going to be that difficult before we moved to the farm.

Prior to our move, we had things all planned out. Our kids were going to go to the private Christian school that was less than 10 minutes from where we lived. It was an awesome school, great push for academics, etc. Morals, values, uniforms, and just...fantastic. So fast-forward to our move. Our options are now extremely limited, in comparison to what we had to choose from. A very small division school where the kids are separated in K-3, 4-6, and 7-9 respectively. Then they would bus into the next small town for high school. Not ideal. I don't love that my 4.5 year old would be in with 8 year olds in one classroom, not to mention the difficulty in delivering 4 separate curricula over the course of a year. I know there's some overlap in the early years, but wowzers. Just not something that I am comfortable with, and that's a personal thing. There are a few public elementary schools in the area, but I would have to drive Sprout every day, and I'm going to be totally honest - I was really missing the push for academics, morals, and values that the kids would have received at the private school back in SG. They're not bad schools, it's just...not what I envisioned.

So we started looking at the private/Christian schools in the area. There are a few. The best one (according to the PAT scores and Fraser reports) is the private school that my hubby went to. The problem with this is that, before we had kids, he swore he would never send his children to that school, because of the social issues he had when he went there. Regardless, after many discussions, we decided that would be the best thing, because it was closest to our original decision before we moved. I tossed and turned and had horrible dreams for weeks. Not kidding. Super stressed out, which seems silly, but it's so hard to know what the right decision is. I started thinking about the time spent on the bus (over 7.5 hours per week once they are in school full-time), the cost (almost $700/month just for elementary school, and just about $1000/month in high school), and the fact that because of those two elements, the kids would have zero opportunity to be involved in other things, like piano lessons, dance classes, gymnastics, hockey, etc. We wouldn't have the money OR the time. Which brings me to...

#4: Why didn't anyone tell me that my opinions on things could change COMPLETELY?

I was so anti-homeschooling until about six months ago, when we started talking about different options once we moved to the farm. I always thought that only crazy families homeschooled their kids, to keep them sheltered and weird (not unlike their parents, in many cases). I thought that homeschooled kids must all be weird and unsocialized, unable to attend college/university and really function well in society. Well...a lot has changed. The world of homeschooling has changed dramatically in the past 10-15 years, and there are so many amazing and different options and opportunities now. I have done months and months of research, reading articles, studies, polling people, interviewing homeschooled kids-turned-adults, and homeschooling parents. What I've found is this: there are wrong ways and right ways to homeschool. If you don't make your child's social/emotional education as much of a priority as their cognitive and motor development, you're probably going to end up with a child who doesn't understand how to function in our society. Also, I learned that the "weird kids" probably would have still been the "weird kids" in public school. Homeschooling would give my kids the opportunity to learn at their own pace, to learn through travel, to visit family and take more road trips, and to partake in more extracurricular activities.

So here's what we have decided to do, after so many nights staying up late talking, not sleeping, stressing out, etc: for one year, for Sprout's kindergarten year, we are going to try homeschooling. I think it's a fantastic opportunity to see if it works for all of us. She will be 4, turning 5. She would have almost been at the end of the cutoff if I sent her to school. We'll do it for a year, and if it doesn't work out (I hate it, if she hates it, or if it just simply doesn't feel right) we don't have to continue. Depending on where she is in September of 2015, she can either go to kindergarten, or she can start grade 1 in whatever school we decide to send her to. I am really hoping that it works out, though, because I really do believe in the benefits after all of the research we have done.

She is SUPER excited about the prospect of doing school at home, and being able to continue taking piano, dance classes, gymnastics, and even some new things (we're trying tee-ball this year...stay tuned for some hilarious updates about my clumsy, uncoordinated Sprout trying to hit/throw/catch a ball).

#5: The final thing that I wish someone would have told me is that you will make mistakes, and it's okay to make them. It's okay to try something and have to change it up if it doesn't work. You're not going to mess up the rest of their lives if you cloth diaper (or don't), bottle feed (or breast feed), dress them in regular clothes (or sleepers every day), try baby-led weaning (or feed them baby food from a jar), force them to go outside despite irrational fears of flying insects (or stay inside on the nicest days of the year because of said phobia), yell at them for something silly (or don't yell at them and laugh when they do something bad, but funny), or send them to school (or homeschool). Everyone's lives are different, and someone else's mistake could be a parenting victory for you.

This one's for you, Sprout. Thank you for helping me make such a difficult decision. I am looking forward to having at least one more precious year with you doing school at home, and the possibility of many more. I'm sure there will be a lot of good days and bad days, but we'll be in it together, and I will always be here for you and your little brother. I cannot wait to see where this journey takes us next!


xoxoxo
Mommy

Did you miss me?

We moved, blah blah blah. We are on a farm, blah blah blah. I've been here by myself with the kids often, blah blah blah. It gets boring, I watch a lot of Parenthood, I do a lot of baking (and eat a lot of baking), I do a lot of laundry. Blah. Blah. Blah.

That's life in a nutshell lately. The only new things that I have neglected blogging about are: Sprout's 4th birthday (whoops...happy birthday...now that you've had 4 of them, I'm probably going to forget to blog about them because as you get older, life just seems to get busier), I've started up a small dance company teaching kids ages 1-12 in a nearby small town, I have been really sick a lot since winter has begun (and so has Seedling), Sprout cracked her head wide open and gave herself a wicked concussion (which resulted in a hefty ambulance bill I'm trying to ignore for a while), and...hmm...not really much else.

Christmas is coming, and it's had me thinking about how much I miss my family and friends since moving here. Life moves at a much different pace here on the farm, and it is still a bit of a learning curve for me. We are busy, but it is a different kind of busy. A less-busy-more-trying-to-find-things-to-do kind of busy. We go outside. I have been taking care of the animals. Farm animals. Just cats and cows, but for those of you who really know me, the idea of me strapping on a pair of coveralls, big work gloves, and boots, and hauling two kids out to the corrals to pitchfork-heave a bunch of hay bales to the cows is a bit of a hilarious thought. Think about it for a minute. Really...picture it. I can't do it without giggling. The kids have had a ton of fun though, and I am really glad that this is becoming an important part of their childhood.

I can't pretend like I don't miss our life back home. I talk to friends and family often, but it's especially been tough at this time of year to not be able to just pop out and see them. Go Christmas shopping together. Have a caramel brûlée latte at Starbucks while perusing the wares at Chapters with my mom, grandma, and sister. Drag my kids out to the toboggan hill with the neighbours and haul them up and down for hours. I miss it all. At this point though, if we decided that it wasn't working (which it definitely is, now that we have a plan for work/school for everyone), and left, I would miss this home, and the family and friends here as well. I'm so grateful and thankful for the awesome people I have met here.

Basically, this is my thanksgiving/Merry Christmas post to everyone. I'm grateful and thankful you are all in my life, and if I could have one Christmas wish - one little miracle, it would be that God blesses all of you this year with an abundance of love, happiness, joy, and peace. You all deserve it. Now, to go and make a cup of Christmas chai, turn on some good ol' Bing Crosby, and wrap presents.

Just you wait, my little tots. Mommy's got some pretty awesome, special, and magical things coming your way. I mean, Santa does.

xoxoxo
Mommy

E-I-E-I-O

We have arrived! As of today, it has been 3 weeks and 4 days since we packed everything up, rented out our house, and moved five hours down the road to the farm. Things have been crazy, like...crazy. So much to do, contemplate, unpack, organize, decide, etc. The list could literally go on forever. Here's what has happened so far:

1. We have moved in. 

Doesn't seem like a big deal, but it was for me. This wasn't just us coming with suitcases to stay for a week at Christmas. We are here, here. The kids' rooms are settled, unpacked, and lived in. They are happy in their spaces, and have learned their way around the house more than they have in previous times we have been here visiting. They know places they aren't allowed to go, things they should stay out of, and the boundaries of the yard. 

2. We have consolidated, amalgamated, purged, and cleaned. 

Not everything. This house is over 100 years old (actually, it's two houses that are both over 100 years old, one is just about 6-7 years older than the other, which is incredibly interesting and poses challenges for the upcoming renovations), and my in-laws have lived here for about 30 years. You accumulate a lot of crap in 30 years. We accumulated a TON in only 5 years. So we've been sorting through things,  throwing things out, consolidating things like our spices, baking materials, linens, towels, and basically everything in the house. It's a lot of work, but I think that everyone is on board and happy with the results. 

3. We have started sourcing out schools and activities.

This is a super tough one. I have major anxiety about school choice for Sprout for next year's giant leap into kindergarten. If we would have stayed put where we were, she would have gone to the private Christian school where she attended preschool. Here, it's a little more difficult. Not only is there tuition to be paid, we also have to consider the fact that the bus from the farm to the private Christian school costs an arm and a leg and takes the kids away for another 1-1.5 hours per day. The public school closest to us doesn't even have 'grades' because the school is so small. There are two divisions and two teachers, and that's it. I do not like that option for my children. At all. Personal preference. And the next closest school with the best testing scores (I know the Fraser report isn't everything, but it is something to consider) is about 25 min away, with no bus available, meaning I'd have to drive them. Every. Day. I don't know how I feel about that. Basically, I'm just happy at this point that I've found a dance class and possible piano instruction for Sprout, and swimming and gymnastics classes for Seedling. He desperately needs a trampoline; I think he's turning into a Mexican jumping bean. 

4. I've started making friends, and so have the kids. 

Whew. This was a tough one for me. It's so difficult to actually make new friends as an adult. How do you do it? It's not like when you're working full time and can interact and meet people through the workplace - when you're a stay at home mom, what do you do? Stalk other potentially-cool parents at the park? Eavesdrop on conversations at Starbucks to see if you might have something in common with another woman with a diaper hanging out of her purse? Facebook and Twitter have been fabulous places to connect with others, so I have actually turned to social media for my social life, and have made some connections with a few great local moms who seem to be really awesome parents and potentially great friends. The kids have been getting involved at the church, which has also been fantastic, considering they will most likely see a lot of those kids on the bus to the private school, if that's the route we choose. 

5. We have started making floor plans and interior design plans for the house. 

It's going to be a LONG time before it gets done, or even gets started. We have a lot of legwork to do prior to the renovations, but watching the plans come together makes it extremely exciting. This is a beautiful house, and I cannot wait to grab a sledgehammer and bring it up to date in a way that will preserve the classic farmhouse beauty it possesses. 

All in all, it's been a great start. Career-wise, I have a few options that I am looking into. I don't want to limit myself, but I also have to be careful now that I have a husband who will undoubtedly be away from home quite often for work. The kids have been so happy here. Watching them learn to play (yes, learn to play...really funny to watch city kids after a few days on the farm - they've had to use their imaginations a lot more, which has been both hilarious and fantastic) out here has been just awesome. We've got plans for possible sheep and chickens in the spring, and have been eyeing up a farm dog and more cats. I'm excited and anxious and nervous for the next few months, as we will be traveling a lot and staying in Canmore (how awful, I know) during the winter. I'll keep everyone posted. It wasn't easy being away the first few weeks, especially for my one week that I was here alone while everyone else was gone for work, but we are happy and settling in and having fun so far. 

Two more weeks, and we'll be back to visit family and celebrate Sprout's 4th (EEK!) birthday! :) 

Let me see you MOVE!

Moving is a touchy subject in my household. Growing up, I lived in more houses than I can count on two hands in my hometown alone, and then there are the places I've lived since I moved out on my own! It wasn't ever a bad thing, just moves out of necessity to build the life that my parents had envisioned for our family. Needless to say, when we bought/built our first house, I was determined that it was going to be THE house that we lived in. For twenty years or more.

That brings us to today, and yet another excuse for why I haven't been blogging the past months. We are making a big move next week. Colossal. Huge. We are picking up and moving our family 500-ish-kms south of here. To a farm. Not any old farm. My in-laws' farm. Don't get me wrong - they aren't moving out of their house, we are moving in.

Sound crazy? It very well might end up being the craziest thing we have ever done. Good crazy, or bad crazy? Nobody really knows yet, and we won't know until we try it out. They have a huge, very old farm house (like, over 100 years kind of old) that needs some serious renovations, but it is a beautiful house on an even more beautiful piece of land. On a clear day, you can see the mountains, and on a day that is less than stellar, you can almost always see the foothills. It is full of wide open spaces, what is affectionately known to southern Albertans as 'big sky' (if you've been there, you'll know what I'm talking about), and a few animals. What could be better for raising kids? Plus, they will be growing up in the same house as their grandparents (one set, I'll get to that in a minute) and building close relationships that they will hopefully treasure for the rest of their lives.

Why are we moving? What on earth would take us that far away, leave this house that we built, my whole family, our friends and kids' friends, and our jobs?

Faith. Hope. The promise of the life that we have always wanted for our children.

Does that make it any easier to leave? Not really. It was an extremely difficult decision, especially because B and I both have amazing jobs here, and because I knew that leaving would be really tough on my family. We are a very close-knit group, and the biggest thing holding me back when we were talking about the decision was family. I knew that although we may not see each other as much, the time that would be spent in the future would be quality. Let me explain...

When we have our Sunday dinners right now, it is a busy afternoon and evening for everyone. We jam an entire week (or two) of visiting into a few hours. Don't misunderstand - I love our dinners, and will miss them dearly - I am just very much looking forward to coming for 3-5 days and being able to spend most of our time here visiting without feeling like everything is extremely rushed. Over the course of the year, we will probably spend more hours than we would just visiting on Sundays and the occasional Saturday shopping trip.

All in all, it is a really scary/crazy/exciting/sad/happy time for all of us, and while the kids were upset about the move at first, now they can't wait until next week when we can go and set up their new rooms and they can just be at the farm with all of their stuff. Will it work out and will we stay there? I have no idea. I'm really hoping so. The renovation alone is extremely intriguing for me, as I have never been a part of one that large before, and I've been wanting to update certain things in that house for years!

I will keep blogging throughout the process, and hopefully throw some parenting tips out along the way (there will definitely be one about explaining a big move to an almost-4-year-old).

Oh. There's one more thing.

There is...only...ONE...bathroom.

I'll let you know how that works out.

xoxoxo
C

Edit: I forgot to say, the craziest part of all is that it doesn't feel at all crazy that we are moving in with my in-laws. And, that I hope my kids can build strong relationships with all of their grandparents, because I am very close with all of mine, and even had the opportunity to live with one set when I was young. I always forget to say everything I want to, but I don't want to bore the snot out of all of you by overwriting every single blog. Yowzers. Long edit. 

What's the big deal about the number two?

The number two signifies many different things. A couple, poop (yes, I went there), a peace sign, bunny ears, and the list continues. What I am writing about today is the age. Why is being two years old so important?

Well...it's not, really. It doesn't come with any new rights or responsibilities, unless you count the impending doom of potty training (Seedling's #2's have landed in the toilet for the past 6+ months. So at least that's one less hurdle). It's not like turning 14, 16, or 18. It's not even like turning 10 and getting into those coveted double-digit ages that seem to come with so much more freedom. People talk about the "Terrible Twos", which, I concur, are somewhat terrifying. That isn't what turning two is about.

Turning two is about not being a baby anymore, and being counted by the rest of society as a full-fledged toddler. So I guess it is a little like turning 18. You might even barf everywhere from consuming too much...cake. This is the most bittersweet age. As a parent, you can no longer say "Oh, he/she is a baby still, cut them some slack!" when your child shoves another kid off the slide. You can, however, use the excuse of the "Terrible Twos" when you are running out of the grocery store with an eggplant-faced screaming child, kicking and screaming under your arm. That's kind of nice.

The thing about having a two-year-old once again is the constant reminder of how quickly things progressed after age two. How much their language advances. When they start to understand and enjoy sleep a little more. The way they play and carry out conversations with other children. Their physical strengths, and they ways in which they learn to move differently. All of a sudden, those years start to fly by even more rapidly.

Two makes me long for another child who isn't yet two. It makes me so proud of the ones that I have, and how much love and light they have brought into my life. Two makes me painfully remember those first 6 months and how little I was actually present in that time. It makes me want to go back, and hold that screaming baby instead of getting frustrated and having to put him down. It is amazing what time will do to change your heart. Two is the age that makes me realize that I will never have another child who is less than two. I will never have another baby.

Not to be a total downer on this amazing day - I am also looking forward to all of the advances Seedling will make in this next year. Spring came late in 2013, and already he is out discovering, exploring, and asking so many questions. Learning to ride his balance bike, climbing new things at the park, falling down and getting back up again, swimming, running, and trying everything that seems like it would be fun (or a challenge...he loves being challenged by anything or anyone...that will come back to bite me in his later years, I'm sure). I am also extremely proud of how far he has come with his temper and the way that he plays with his sister. Sprout is also very happy that she gets less cars thrown at her face these days. Still happens, but less.

Sigh. What it comes down to is really that this day is bittersweet. No other way to describe it. I am proud, happy, excited, sad, and longing. All in the same moment. Sorry if Mommy seems to be a basket case today, Seedling. I love you forever and always, and wish you the happiest of birthdays. I will try to make it the best yet (not too hard, only one to beat).

xoxoxo
Mommy

Time out.

Unreal. I cannot believe that it has been so long since the last time that I posted something new. I attended this fabulous event last year put on by Modern Mama South Edmonton called Mama Blogs, which was supposed to help inspire me to 'find my blogging voice'. I was indeed inspired, and determined to sit down and start blogging again, at least once per week. And then the summer happened. Fall followed. So did the longest winter I ever remember (I realize it's spring now, but really...have you looked outside? Winter wonderland out there).

I found myself in the middle of March, 2013, completely befuddled. Where did all of my time go? What happened to the rest of 2012? Did Christmas happen? I decided that I needed to sit down and have a long, hard look at what happened this past year. Basically, I needed to give myself a TIME OUT.

Life as a mother is busy, no matter how many children you have. As they start to grow and become more interested in sports, arts, and other activities, it just gets worse (or...better?). Right now, all I have to do is drive to preschool twice per week and dance once per week, and I feel like I'm always on the go. This year, though, with things being as busy as they have been, I feel like I have missed out on a lot.

I shouldn't complain about the fact that I have a few different jobs that allow me to stay home during the days with my kids and work evenings and weekends. But I'm going to anyway. You see, I think that being home during the day with my kids is extremely important. I will always strive to find a way that we can survive financially with me being a stay-at-home-sometimes mom. The issue with what I have been doing is this: missed FAMILY time.

Work has taken me to three different pathways this year: practicing massage in the city through a fabulous physiotherapy clinic, continuing to build my own home practice, and instructing dance. I love all three of those pathways; however, they have brought me to a point where I am now working at least 6 days per week, if not 7. And by days, I mean evenings and weekends.

What does that leave me with? Amazing bonding time with my children during the day? Well, to be honest, I have been so burned out that my 'bonding time' has consisted of me often using the TV to distract the kids while I work on choreography and lesson planning, or sewing towels for a customer (oh yeah...another job...), and when they ask me to play, I usually lay down on the floor and play the "Mommy's pretending to take a nap" game, and tell them to tiptoe so they don't awaken the beast. My patience has dwindled and dwindled down to almost nothing. I have a very difficult time being present, even though I am here. I want so badly to be the fun, easygoing mom who has boundless energy and ideas for playing and making their days at home memorable ones. I feel like I am failing them, and myself.

Let's not even mention the relationship aspect of things, or taking time out for my own hobbies and things that I enjoy. Really. I shouldn't. Because it's going to make me sound extremely bitter. Because I am.

Am I ungrateful for the opportunities that I have been presented with? NO! I am so grateful everyday that I can work so my children can take part in the extracurricular programs they want to, and that we can afford to send them to a great school. Do I feel a little overwhelmed? That might be the understatement of the year.

My relationships have suffered this year, with my husband, my children, and even myself. I have become very disconnected with my family, and made the executive decision that THINGS NEED TO CHANGE! So here are the changes I am making:

1. Making my home clinic the priority in terms of my job. I am putting in more time and effort into careful marketing and promotions. That is the reason we built our house in the location it is, and the main reason we even finished our basement.

2. Scheduling time for my family. As sad as that sounds, if I don't do it, I know it won't get done with the way things are right now. Whether it is an afternoon at the pool, or a day where we take the kids out and do whatever they want to do, it needs to happen more often than it has been. All of us, together as a family.

3. Scheduling time for my marriage. Honestly. A date night once a month might be nice. Or once every 2 months. Once every 6 months would be more than it has happened this year. I understand now how people can look at each other when their kids move away after school and say "Hello...who are you, again?"

4. Less evenings and weekends away. No matter WHAT. This means huge financial changes for us. I am giving up my dance instructing job in July, and while it breaks my heart because it has been one of the most rewarding and enjoyable positions I have ever held, I had to decide which job was taking the most time away from my family. I may also be cutting back the amount of out-of-house massages that I take in a week.

5. Getting back to being myself. As a mom, I know some of you will be able to relate to the feeling of losing yourself once you have a child/children. I used to sing. Compose. Dance. Perform. Write. My arts were my outlet, and I feel like I have completely lost sight of who I used to be, and who I still am, somewhere in there. I need to take time to do these things.

When my kids grow up, I want them to be able to look back and remember the early days of being at home with me. Even if it is only a couple snippets of memories here and there, I want them to be good ones. The kind of feelings that you get when you hear a song that reminds you of a wonderful time in your life. I want them to remember what their mom and dad were like together - what the relationship was like, so that they have something positive to model their own future relationships after. I want to be able to look back in 20 years with B and say that I put as much into my kids' early years as I could. I want them to be able to say that I taught them patience, kindness, love, respect, and everything that a parent should.

Praying it all turns out. Sorry, kids. No more pizza Fridays for a while. Well...at least not this Friday.

xoxoxo
Mommy

Who's emotional about being 3?

Unbelievable how quickly the time rushes by after the first year of your first child's life. It really did feel like I was always waiting and anticipating her next developmental stage, cheering on every head lift, sit up, step, and word. Now, I find myself constantly wondering where the time went and praying that I haven't missed anything important. Gone are the days of journaling her every move, videotaping each cute phrase and wiggle-dance. Sure, I am still a snap-happy mama - I love capturing each and every moment, mostly because I am forgetful and I don't want to lose any moment, eyes closed, silly face, or otherwise.

I read somewhere recently (forgive me, like I said, forgetful...) that at the ripe old age of three, children begin to develop fears about the world around them. They realize that sometimes shadows in the dark are more than shadows. Their imaginations create scary scenarios in their heads filled with dragons and monsters and the like. They also have the capacity to realize their own mortality, usually after watching a film, reading a story, talking with friends, or the death of a family member, friend, or pet. That's a huge thing to deal with in such a new little mind. I wish that they didn't lose their innocent feelings of immortality as children. Not saying they should think they are invincible and jump off of the slide at the park, but I just wish that they could stay in the little safety bubble a while longer without becoming engrossed in fears and worries about their lives and the world around them.

I should cut to the chase - I've been super emotional about Sprout turning three. So much so, in fact, that I have put off writing her birthday letter until now because every time I thought about it, I started to cry. But, nonetheless, even though I am emotional about it (and so is she...like a teenager), here it is.

My dearest, beautiful, big girl,

You take my breath away every day in so many amazing ways: you make me laugh so hard it hurts, you make me hold my breath and count to ten (yes, that's when I'm mad), you make me sit with my jaw on the floor while I am constantly blown away by your comprehension, vocabulary, and intelligence (you've been reading words lately of your own accord - mind-boggling).

I could sit and list all of the things you have done that I am proud of you for in the last year, but I would be here forever. The big highlights have been watching you grow in your love of dance, observing as you have become the most wonderful and loving big sister a little brother could ask for, and listening to your imagination grow and grow. My favourite story you made up recently went a little like this: "Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there lived a baby unicorn who was super beautiful and had a magic unicorn horn. Her name was Cass, just like you! She lived in a big beautiful castle with her Mommy unicorn, and they played every day and loved each other forever and always, just like me and you." I had to write it down, because it made my heart so incredibly happy.

I could never have dreamed of a better daughter. You are perfect in every way, and I hope that I am doing a good enough job raising you. Sometimes, I feel guilty having been given someone so special and such a big responsibility in helping you grow up right. Please forgive my tired days and my grouchy days. I try not to let those emotions run into our time together, but I know they inevitably do - you are amazingly perceptive for a 3 year-old, and you always know if I am a little off (which you almost always try to cure with a hug and a kiss). Please know that you are so important to me, and that you have the sweetest and most caring heart.

I love you so much, Sprout, and I hope that you have a fantastic year being three! I can't wait to see what adventures God will throw our way in the next 11.5 months! Sweet dreams, baby girl.

xoxoxo
Mommy

Well hello, old friend.

Blogging, for me, is like getting together with that old friend that you haven't seen in a long time, and having a long-awaited venting session about all the good and bad things in your life that have been happening. Ahhh. Feels good. 

It's been way too long since I last wrote. Not a lot has changed. Or...well...I guess it has. New jobs, new car, and seemingly new tiny personalities in my house. Seedling has made the shift from baby to toddler, full-on. He has toddler-sized clothes, a bigger than toddler-sized head (seriously, it's big), a pretty comprehensive vocabulary, and throws toddler-sized tantrums. That all being said, watching him change and grow into his newfound persona has been incredible. Now for the other child. 

Sprout. Sigh. In the last month or so, I have watched my sweet, confident, outgoing, independent big girl regress into a bundle of spontaneous tears, clinginess, frightened of everything, shy (bordering on just downright rude...), completely dependent on Mommy for everything, not-herself little girl. My very wise, supermom sister once told me that there are the 'terrible twos', but then come the 'emotional threes'. It's a thing. I know it for sure, now. Sprout never really entered the 'terrible twos'. Sure, she had her sassy moments and still does, but two seemed to be more about asserting her independence and showing off how much she could really do on her own. She was extremely confident, self-assured, and proud. This whole bipolar personality switch has caught me and the hubs completely off guard. 

Take, for example, today's shenanigans at dance class. Sprout LOVES dance class, and always has. She is in her second year, with the same teacher, at the same studio. Not anything different there; this is the 5th week of class, so she has been well-adjusted to there being new students and new material/routine to follow in the class. We were running late, and she eagerly put on her ballet slippers and dashed into class as soon as we arrived. I watched with Seedling proudly as she went through her pliés, rises, and port de bras with her tiny feet in perfect 1st position. She galloped, skipped, did her lifted walks and kicks wonderfully, and even demonstrated her skips across the floor by herself! All of a sudden, though, I was greeted at the door by her instructor, holding the hand of a sobbing, screaming Sprout. 

**Now, I should take a moment and just say that Sprout did get talked to (by me) after last class, because she wasn't doing a good job of listening to her instructor. But we talked about it, she agreed that she needed to listen, and it was done with.**

Okay, back to the story. Sprout rushed into my arms and I asked her what was wrong. All she could get out between sobs was that she wanted to go home, and she had gotten in trouble. I had been watching, and I knew that she hadn't done anything that would warrant her getting bawled out, but I thought "Hmm...well...there was last week...and I was paying attention to Seedling right before she came out...". Her instructor came out to check on her, and ask what had happened (she seemed as taken aback as I was), and said that she hadn't done anything, just burst into tears when they got into a circle to sing one of their songs. Then, I got frustrated. This was the same thing that had been happening everywhere we went. 

At Sunday school, she sat in the corner and wouldn't listen or participate at all. At our weekly playgroup/class, she sat on my lap and refused to even look at or talk to anyone else. We had friends over for her this past week - she played by herself. Every day, it seemed there was something that set her off and had her crying at different points throughout the day. She has been withdrawn, clingy, emotional, and just not herself, and I can't figure out why. Hard not to lose your patience, right? Maybe there are some parents who can deal with these changes more easily, but I know that I'm not alone when I say that IT SUCKS. 

What I realized today, though, is that I don't think I am ever going to know exactly why her behaviour has changed. Kids go through all of these different changes and phases during their development, and they are usually just as thrown and frustrated as we are. Think about puberty - I know that I was both frustrated and confused with a lot of what was happening with my body and my emotions during that time, and I know I was definitely not alone in that. The most important thing in their lives is how we, their parents, react and help them through it all. 

Encouraging Sprout to talk about what she felt before she started to cry, or the things that set her off and make her withdraw from interacting with others, will hopefully help her feel like she can talk to me - about anything. If all I do is get frustrated when she comes out of class crying, she is never going to trust me with the truth behind her emotions. Doesn't seem like a big deal now, but when she is a teenager, or an adult, it will be. Asking "Why are you so upset?" might not be the best tactic because she probably has no idea a lot of the time, but being positive and helping her understand different ways to express her feelings (like using an outlet, drawing, choosing colours that help show me how she feels), might aid her in feeling like she isn't trying to blindly scramble through this phase of her life alone. 

Good grief, parenting is a learning curve. You think you have them figured out for a minute, and then they change. I am so thankful to have such amazing friends and family to help me help them through life. I have said it before, and I will say it again: not only am I contributing to the growth and development of my children; they are also contributing to my own personal growth and development. Every day, I learn something different and new, and every day there is something else that pops up as a potential struggle. Some days I feel beaten down, and other days, I feel like I couldn't be more alive. It's a rollercoaster, that's for sure. 

Seedling, you are growing into such a special little boy. I watch with amazement each day at all the different things you are learning, and love all the lessons you are teaching me. I am proud and honoured to be your Mommy. 

Sprout. My first-born, beautiful, big girl. You will be turning 3 in less than a month, and that day will be extremely bittersweet. 3 soon turns into 4, and then 5, and then school years start to fly by. I know, I've been there. I'm trying to hold onto your tiny years, while still encouraging you to spread your wings and take off to do more on your own. I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry that I get frustrated and lose my patience. I will do my best to help you get through whatever this horrible phase is. Please make it a short one. (That plea was more of a prayer, not really a plea for you). You are so bright and beautiful, mischievous and sassy, loving, generous, and caring. I hope that none of that ever changes. 

**I could use a little less sassy sometimes though**

xoxoxo
Mommy

Summer Heat & The Art of Losing One's Temper

I recently complained to a friend about my son's crazy temper. At just shy of 14 months, he throws epic tantrums that outplay even those of Sprout's (she will be 3 in November of this year). In the midst of all of my complaining, I recalled a few incidents where I 'lost it' recently with my kids and husband, and my vision suddenly became clear.

Sure, I could blame it all on the summer heat - who isn't feeling a little stir crazy these days with this heat wave, as awesome as our pool days have been - but honestly...I'm going to go with the fact that I've just not been myself lately. It is amazing to me how much of an impact children and pregnancy/ies can have on your life. For example, I have now had to get my eyeglass prescription strengthened twice in the past year, supposedly because "having kids can greatly affect your eyes, you know....hormones and all that...", or so says my optometrist. Apparently having a baby can make your eyes shaped even  more like footballs (my prescription is mostly astigmatism). It really just made me think, and think hard.

Here's where this blog is going: to my friends who haven't had kids yet, or to anyone who is contemplating having children, I would like to share with you a few points that you might want to consider from both sides of the argument.

Having children is an amazing, wonderful thing. It will be the most challenging, yet most rewarding experience in your life. Why wait, right? Here's my thought on holding off, and it's one that I really want you to consider carefully - everything will change when you have a baby. Be prepared for it. If all of your thoughts on having children come up with giggles, ice cream sundaes, cute baby clothes, and snuggles, take a moment and stop. It IS that wonderful at times, but you need to understand the gravity and reality of the situation. Your whole life will change. I so looked forward to my first pregnancy, and for the most part, it really wasn't bad. Neither was delivery or labour. Neither was having a baby, in general. I came home with the easiest baby in the world (the first time), but it was still a huge adjustment. Emotions run crazy wild when you are in that first postpartum year, and no matter how well things go with the baby, your marriage or relationship will undoubtedly have its own challenges.

Financially, make sure you are ready. Everyone said that to me, and I thought we were good. I was planning on working until the bitter end, but I ended up going on partial bedrest for the last 6 weeks due to muscle tearing. I hadn't planned for that, and I also hadn't planned well for having no EI or maternity leave while I was off (self-employed...benefits and drawbacks). We put ourselves into major debt, and didn't learn the second time around. I feel like an idiot looking back, and now we will be struggling to keep afloat for years to come. If you want to travel, or just lay around on the couch on the weekends, do it now. If you want to spend some more time with your friends, do it now. Don't let your friends having kids influence you to start a family of your own. That is one of the worst reasons to decide to have a baby. Peer pressure is never a good idea, no matter how old you are. All this aside, I wouldn't change a thing about when we decided to have our first little Sprout. Well, the financial stuff I would have planned better, but otherwise I wouldn't have any doubts about our decision.

Here are the good things about not waiting to start a family:
- Babies are awesome. Kids are awesome. They are a spectacle to behold, and with every new achievement, and every inch grown, you will have a new appreciation for them and for your own family that came before you that donated their DNA to aid in creating this amazing little person you get to call your own.
- Having a baby is the true test of a relationship. You never really know what your spouse is going to be like as a father or mother until it happens. You never know what you, yourself will be like as a parent. And it will constantly change. This doesn't sound good, right? It honestly is. My husband and I have grown leaps and bounds in our relationship since we had Sprout and Seedling. The challenges and arguments bring about conversations that expose different parts of ourselves that we have never shown to each other, or never known that we even had. I have had feelings that I didn't know I was capable of, both good and bad.
- Finances are always going to be tough, for most of us anyway. My thinking is that once my kids are through school and into university, my husband and I will be able to use what extra money we are able to save to travel. All I want at some point in time is to visit Paris, and what an amazing trip it would be to go just with Sprout, and have my husband and Seedling take a trip together on their own as well in the future.
- When you have kids in your house, you don't have to feel guilty about having 'kid food' in the house. Buy Froot Loops. You don't actually have to let your kids have any. You can just feel better when you put them in your car-cart at the grocery store.


The biggest and most convincing reason to have kids early? More years (hopefully) of being able to watch them grow and learn about the world around them, be there to support them, and have them there to support you. I love that I had kids early, but I keep thinking that maybe I would have been better equipped to handle two little ones 17 months apart had I been in my 30s. Who knows? Maybe I would have had less energy to do it, and maybe I would have been more mellowed out and less of a hardass, strict, eager young parent. All I can say is that I am doing the best that I can, regardless of the many meltdowns that occur daily (I joke that my neighbours will likely call social services one day because my kids scream and have fits so often...but it's really not a joke - Seedling screams like someone is trying to strangle him when he needs a diaper change. It's ridiculously excessive, but explain that to a 14 month old), and I am so happy that I had my kids when I did. They are shaping who I am, and hopefully I am helping to shape who they become in a positive and nurturing way. Or maybe I'm screwing them up by being too strict and raising my voice too often. Such is life.

I love you, Sprout & Seedling. We will probably fight like cats and dogs in your teenage years, because all three of us are headstrong and have hot tempers, but hopefully Daddy will balance things out and keep us all in check. I am so glad that I had you when I did, and I pray every day that I have the energy to continue to do as much as I can to help you grow up to be confident, polite, intelligent, well-rounded individuals. I am having so much fun with you this summer, and I can't wait to see what fun we will have on our many adventures through July and August. I love watching you discover the world, and I hope that God has it in his plans for me to be able to witness that spectacle for many years to come. Have a wonderful sleep in your air conditioned bliss, my darlings, while Mommy and Daddy sleep (not really) downstairs on the sofa bed so we don't roast like turkeys tonight.

xoxoxo

Mommy

Seedling Turns One.

I have always written a little something, usually a letter, on a momentous occasion for both Sprout and Seedling. Today, at 1:17pm, Seedling turned exactly one year old. It has been a rollercoaster of a day for me, and there are a lot of complicated emotions involved. You see, I don't really remember much of the first 3-4 months of Seedling's life. Honestly, I think that I blocked them out a long time ago as some sort of defense mechanism. If I did that, I wouldn't be able to feel the guilt for completely checking out mentally and emotionally during that time period. I wouldn't be able to completely regret the fact that we gave away our family dog because I couldn't handle the extra stress at the time. All in all, it wasn't a happy time for anyone, Seedling and Sprout included. 

This year has brought so many new challenges and victories to all of our lives. Seedling overcame the obstacles of his laryngomalacia and reflux (mostly - not completely outgrown but almost!), Sprout overcame the obstacle of adjusting to her life with a sibling in it (she still has her 'moments'), my husband and I overcame the many obstacles that arose and caused havoc in our marriage, and I overcame my postpartum depression (again...almost). I still have my 'moments' as well, but they are fewer and farther between.

It is a happy and wonderful day, don't get me wrong, it just brings up feelings that I haven't felt in a long time. And a whole jumble of them. It's been emotional, to say the least. So, on this day that begins the start of a new year of life for my beautiful, handsome, mischievous little Seedling, I would like to write him something a little bit different. For you, my love, here is a poem:

As I laid you down to sleep tonight

On this, your first birthday

A single tear rolled down my cheek

I could not wipe away

A tear of joy, of pride, of hope

Of sadness, pain, and love

One tear to mark my gratefulness 

To the Lord, my God above

Please forgive me, my sweet child

For I have made mistakes

I have always loved you, even when wild

There were moments I thought I might break

Love, you are growing far too fast

Before my eyes, I swear

One inch, another, and then at last

You'll be grown up, sleeping there

I'm savouring all of our moments now

And holding you closer than ever

I'll give you more kisses than you will allow

Our bond will never be severed

I wish I could give you the world today

Anything you could dream of

But all I can give you, do for you, or say

Is that you have all of my love

Close your eyes, little one, go to sleep with the sun

Let the stars serenade you tonight

For tomorrow will begin a new year of fun

And love from your Mommy

Sleep tight

Have a good sleep, little Seedling (and Sprout). I love you both, and you were amazingly well behaved this weekend. Thank you for that. You have no idea how much you both light up every single day. 

xoxoxo

Mommy 

See see my playmate.

You know, friendship is a fickle thing. Or, at least, it can be. Especially in the case of girls/women. The evolution of a friendship over the course of a lifetime is a fascinating thing to explore. Recently, I had a conversation with a friend (let's call her L for all intents and purposes) in regards to how her social circle had changed drastically after she had her children, and how it seems to continue to evolve with each year that passes. L was having trouble with one of her friends understanding the limitations of having children at home, and wanting her to come out and party with them, and "act her age". L is 29, and has two beautiful children at home. What is considered 'acting your age' at 29? How about 25? 35? It really upset her that her friend was treating her that way, and I couldn't really give her much advice, other than trying to delicately say that her friend probably wouldn't understand until she had a family of her own. How do we have so much in common to start out with, and so little only a few years down the road? Just as in a romantic relationship, people in friendships can also grow apart. 


I can definitely say that I have experienced a similar phenomenon since even before I had my Sprout. It all started when I got pregnant...(cue dreamy harp music and a cross-fade transition)


I remember telling my friends that I was pregnant. The ones that seemed the most excited were the ones who were closest to that same stage of life - the friends who had children in their minds for the near future, and were engaged or already married. My other friends were excited too, but it appeared to resonate less with them. Once I gave birth to my beautiful Sprout, my friends called, came by to visit, and mostly kept in touch via text, email, Facebook, or the like. As Sprout has grown, I have lost some friends and made new ones along the way; reconnected with people from my past, and started to phase others out. I have 'cleaned' out my Facebook group, making sure that I don't have anyone that I couldn't actually relate to in my list of friends. I didn't want just anyone having access to my multitude of photo and video albums of my growing family. I have grown more protective of my children and who I want around them, influencing their little lives. In a nutshell, I have changed. Shifted my priorities, and altered what I look for when I meet a potential new friend for the first time. 


Now, I am extremely fortunate to have a wonderful and small group of friends whom I like to refer to as the 'close' ones. Most of them are married and are having kids, or have done so already. The few friends that I have kept who don't fall under those criteria have maintained their connection with me by making sure that I still know who I am, underneath the surface. They ensure that I remember where I came from and who I was before I became a wife and a mother, and remind me not to lose touch with that woman. They play a pivotal role in keeping me sane, otherwise. I have chosen carefully who I want to spend time in my home, and with my children. Am I sad that I had to phase some of my friends out of my life? Sometimes, yes. But, like I said before, people can grow apart in friendships just as often as they do in a romantic relationship. The reconnections with people from my past who are in a similar life-stage right now have been wonderful, and some have also been surprising. 


When you become a mother, new friends usually come from your kids. They meet someone in a class, or at an outing, a birthday party, or at the park, and ask if they can come over to play. I met some amazing friends when I first had Sprout, and brought her to the New Moms Network put on by our local Public Health Unit. We probably didn't have that much in common to start out with other than our babies, but that, along with compatible personality types, was enough to strike up conversation week after week and continue to have weekly playdates and visits until the kids got older and some of the moms began to return to work. Would we have somehow met and been friends otherwise? Maybe. Probably not. Even still, those ladies are still some of my closest friends. 


Having children changes everything in your life. Your body, mind, heart, marriage/relationship, family, priorities, and friendships. Back to my friend L. I thought a lot about what she said, and the trouble that she was having maintaining her friendship, and my heart just hurt for her. A week later, she called me in tears and said that she had sadly decided to sever ties with her friend. I told her that I had to do the same a few times before, and that if she felt like it was the right decision for her and her family, then it was. It happens. As you travel along the road of your life, some people remain beside you, and others veer off on a path of their own. It isn't anyone's fault, but it still hurts when it happens. People move on, and find others that are on the same path or road that they are. The best advice that I can give is to surround yourself with people who make you feel happy, and good about yourself, wherever you are in life. For me, that means low drama. I don't deal with it, don't put up with it, and don't want it around my family. The majority of my close friends get that, and have it high on their list of criteria for what they look for in a friend as well. 


I hope to try and influence my children positively with their own choices for friends, and teach them different strategies for dealing with friendship fallouts as well. Sprout and Seedling, being a friend can be difficult sometimes. There is no way t0 completely avoid people that cause drama and problems, but there are right and wrong ways of dealing with it. Sometimes you will be able to reconcile, and other times you won't. I pray that I am teaching you both the right way to diffuse drama, how to be a good and caring friend, and nurturing your natural empathy and compassion for others. I know that you already have some wonderful friends, and I hope that you all grow together on similar paths (I like all of their mommies too, so it would be nice if that happened!). I love you both with all of my heart. 


xoxoxoxo
Mommy

This one's for you, Melissa...

Recently, a friend of mine jokingly accused me of being secretive with my recipes. She even had a dream about it. Of course, they were crazy delicious cupcakes, not crepes, in the dream, but nevertheless, it got my wheels turning (very squeaky these days).

I love to cook. LOVE to cook. I don't have much time for it these days, but every once in a while, I throw some stuff into a bowl and it works. Here's the latest adventure: Vanilla Bean Crepes with Coconut. I made these three times before I finally took out a set of measuring cups and spoons and attempted to record exactly how much of the ingredients I was using, and what the heck I did to make them. Hopefully these will turn out. This blog is specifically for you, Melissa - I expect a full report back, and I apologize if they don't live up to the dream cupcakes!

Vanilla Bean Crepes with Coconut

4 Large eggs

1/2 c. milk

1 vanilla bean, scraped

1 Tbsp coconut oil, warmed to liquify

2 Tbsp sugar

Pinch of salt

1/2 c. flour

1/4 c. shredded coconut (optional)

Whisk together the first 6 ingredients in a large glass bowl, blend well. Sift in flour slowly, whisking while you add. Stir in coconut, if using. Heat a round, appx 9" frying pan under medium heat with 1 Tsp coconut oil to start off the crepes. Ladel 1/4 c. per crepe and swirl around pan to distribute evenly. Cook until lightly browned, then flip. The second side will cook quicker than the first, so be sure to keep a watchful eye on those beauties! Serve warm with brown sugar, cinnamon, and maple syrup.

There you have it! Bon appetit!

On Being a Modern, Eco-Friendly Mom. Sometimes.

I had the opportunity recently to do a full product review for a fantastic new cloth diaper (and accessories) company based out of Ontario. After weeks of Seedling being sick, and not really wanting 'those' poops happening in a cloth diaper, we were finally able to test everything out! Here is the full deal:

Lil' Helper Cloth Diaper Review

Included in my demo kit were:

1. Organic bamboo diaper with organic bamboo inserts - two of these, one in orange, and one in the most adorable denim pocket print

2. Organic bamboo charcoal diaper with organic bamboo charcoal inserts

3. PUL-lined wet bag with drawstring

4. PUL-lined wet bag with zipper

5. Extra inserts - cotton, bamboo, and charcoal

6. Bamboo wipes

Right off the top, can I just express how adorable their logo, packaging, and prints are?! Everything just looks cute! Appearance, however, is not always everything - I'm sure you all want to know about performance.

The diapers are an AI2 (All-In-Two) model, with snap-in inserts and doublers. I always used the doubler with Seedling, as he would have soaked right through to his pants otherwise. For ease of use, I will give these diapers a 10/10. The sizing adjustments are fantastic, and while I do prefer velcro to snaps, these provided a wonderful fit around both the waist and legs. The snap-in-snap-out inserts are also great. If Seedling hadn't soaked through both inserts to the cover, all I did was swap out the inserts. That made for easy changes that even my husband wasn't afraid to try. I love the idea of diapers where you just swap inserts. The snaps on these make sure that they aren't bunching up or sliding around inside the cover, which is a problem we have had with other similar diaper styles.

The different choices for inserts also makes these quite interesting. They offer a way to combine different outers and inserts for time of day, or where you will be going. My favourite inserts BY FAR are the bamboo charcoal. Genius idea. Honestly, I don't know what made them think this up, but it is so smart. The charcoal addition to the inserts makes them a gorgeous gray colour (less staining, people), and so incredibly absorbent. Not to mention, they don't smell. Like anything. After they blew me away, I decided to do the ultimate test: what if I left a diaper in the wet bag and forgot about it for...say...2 days? After the waiting period, I took the diaper out and expected that abhorrent ammonia odour to be permeating my nostrils. Zilch. Nothing. The diaper was dry, and if I didn't know better, looked and smelled clean. Crazy. It does make it a little more difficult to tell when a change is required, but if you stick to the rule of every 2-3 hrs for cloth, you won't have an issue with leaks. The only downside to the bamboo charcoal inserts is that they are bulky. I preferred to use the charcoal inserts with a regular bamboo outer, just to cut back on the amount of bulk on Seedling's rear. Goodness knows he could use some help holding up his pants a little (skinny little thing), but the combo of the charcoal outer and inserts was enough to make him look like he had an 'old man' pouch in the front. Plus, he was crawling all funny and had trouble standing up.

The organic bamboo inserts are deliciously soft. Like, rub them against your cheek soft. They are also absorbent, but not quite as well as the bamboo charcoal. I used these with the charcoal outer, again limiting the amount of bulk while still benefitting from the charcoal. When put together with the bamboo outer, these are extremely trim. No leaks, either.

The only inserts I didn't like at all were the cotton. When washed and dried to prep, they shrunk funny, and didn't hold their shape. They seemed scratchy and bulky. If you were going to make the investment in these diapers, I would pay a little extra, and just get the organic bamboo or charcoal. The cotton inserts were also the only ones I used that leaked.

Their wipes and wet bags are great. The wipes are very soft, and when dampened, do a great job of cleaning up those extra-messy messes. One side is a little rougher for cleaning the dirtier bits, while the other side is velvety and soft for gently cleansing the most delicate areas. The wet bags are pretty standard, nothing too out of the ordinary there. I didn't have any leaks with them, and they held about three diapers with inserts when wet/dirty.

You want to know how much they cost now, right? They range from $20-$26 per diaper, which includes one set of inserts. Not bad, when you compare with others that are a similar style. Plus, you're supporting a Canadian company. Inserts range from $8-$10 per set, wet bags range from $6-$8, and a set of 5 reusable bamboo wipes will set you back $10. Their online store also offers free shipping in Canada for purchases over $60, and to the USA for purchases over $90. The nice thing about these diapers is that you probably won't need as many outers as inserts, because for changes that haven't leaked through or gotten extensively stinky, you can just swap out the inserts and keep using the same cover. You also don't have to buy any different sizes. I tried putting the diaper on the smallest size on one of Sprout's dolls. It fit like a dream, and that baby would probably be in the 7-10 lb range if it were real (she thought it was staying on the doll, and loved it so much that she cried when I took it off to use on her brother).

All in all, I would give Lil' Helper cloth diapers a 9/10. I would have said 8.5, but let me tell you a little bit about the company and their philosophies. They have a policy called "Baby Do Good", where they donate one cloth diaper to a family in need for every three diapers purchased from their company, whether it is online or in store. I love companies that do things like this. While I don't cloth diaper exclusively, I do understand the impact of disposable diapers ending up in landfills all across the world, and I think that what Lil' Helper is doing is a fantastic way of decreasing the waste of others. You should also really visit their website, and read the biographies of the two co-creators. Did I mention they are of the male persuasion? Surprising, right? Refreshingly different in all aspects, and Canadian. Check them out. You won't be disappointed.

Charcoal Bamboo Cloth Diaper

Organic Bamboo Cloth Diaper

Seedling wearing the organic bamboo with charcoal inserts

Organic bamboo cloth diaper in denim print