Why are they so embarrassing?

Mischievous Sprout Look #33,298

Mischievous Seedling Look #3,217

Kids do the most embarrassing things in public. I swear, they are all born with this little microchip in their brains that turns on whenever you leave the house. It whispers little things in their ears, like "Psst...hey...you should totally ralph up that bottle of formula right now. All over your Mommy. And then laugh about it, that will make it awesome." Or, better yet, "Hey...hey kid...you know what would be super funny? Yelling out 'I HAVE A VAGINA' from the top of the crowded playground equipment. Wait until it sounds like things are super quiet though, that will make it so much funnier!"

Now comes the time to discuss the matter of naming the unmentionable areas for a child. There have been studies conducted that have shown that one of the top characteristics a child molester or pedophile looks for when seeking out victims is that the child does not use the correct anatomical terms for his or her private parts. What has been shown is that a child who does not use the right terms for their anatomy is less likely to go to someone after the fact and tell what has occurred. That, alone, is enough for me to use proper terminology with my children. Not to mention that I think it's ridiculous to make up 'baby' words for things, especially in that category. Sprout has always been ahead of the game in terms of her vocabulary and comprehension of the world around her, so when she began full-on potty training at 20 months, she naturally had some questions and curiosity in regards to what that, down there was. And when her little brother Seedling came along, she wanted to help with everything. Diaper changes were the big event that she was able to be a part of from the beginning. Even being as young as she was, she would ask "What's that, Mommy?" and "I have a vagina. Grayson does, too?" So we taught her correctly. It is one of those things that will prove to be both positive and embarrassing for a number of years, I'm sure.

Take, for example, the time we were at the grocery store, walking through the checkout line. We got to the till, and my 22 month-old Sprout was chatty with the cashier (as per usual).

Sprout: "You a girl, lady?"

Cashier: "Yes, honey, I'm a girl. Just like you!"

Sprout: "Just like me! You a girl, like me, lady?"

Cashier: "That's right, I'm a girl too!"

Sprout: "I'm a girl. I have a vagina. You have vagina too, lady?"

Cashier: "Uhhhh...." (Obviously mortified, but not as tomato-faced as I was. Pretty sure I hit the shade of red you find on those ugly fluorescent orange-red berries that fall off of the trees and make a mess all over the sidewalk.)

That's just one story. This is how the train of conversation goes (and derails) when she talks about Grayson and Daddy: do they have a vagina, oh no, that's right, they have a penis, they both have one, why doesn't she have one, her and Mommy have a vagina, she is a girl, Mommy is a girl, Daddy and Grayson are boys. The other day, she ended this one by calling Grayson a "poopy penis". Fan-freaking-tastic. I'm just waiting for her to pull that one out at Wal Mart. Here's another gem from her talk with Daddy while she was on the potty the other night:

Charlie: "I have a vagina, Daddy. I'm a girl."

Daddy: "That's right, Charlie. Remember, though, we don't talk about that in public, right? It's not polite. You can talk about it with Mommy and Daddy at home, especially if something is sore or really itchy."

Charlie: "Vagina. Vagina (whispered)."

Daddy: "Charlie...that's not polite."

Charlie: (Cups her hands around her mouth and leans forward, whispering) "You have a penis"

Okay, how do you not laugh? I'm worried that I'm going to send her to preschool in the fall (Yes, I'm probably sending her in September. Yes, I'm freaking out about it. No, I'm not sure that's what I'm doing. Don't ask me about it because I might cry.) and she is going to be that kid, who gets a letter home to their parents about inappropriate chatter at school.

So, it's fantastic that she knows the right words to use when referring to her own private anatomy. Right? I'm not changing anything, and I wouldn't. I still feel it is incredibly important, but it can lead to so many embarrassing situations. She's only 2. I'm waiting for a lot more. And Grayson is learning from watching and listening to her...sigh. I'm in for it. And so are YOU, if you have kids! (Did I really have to tell you that? I'm sure you've had your moments already.)

I love you more than you know, Sprout & Seedling. Please, please try not to put me in too many of these situations as you grow up. I understand that it will happen when I least (or most) expect it to, but keep the questions and the socially unacceptable chatter to a minimum, okay? Only a few hundred times each. Before you're 4.

xoxoxo

Mommy