Mmmmph. Giggle. Snort.
Okay, so maybe not that elaborate, but I have been gaining clarity and a new, fresh perspective on life and mommyhood. Chalk it up to the fact that Seedling has made developmental leaps and bounds over the past two weeks, or simply that my therapist is actually getting into my head and dusting off my proverbial bookshelves, if you will. Either way, for the first time, I am feeling like I have made a few leaps in the right direction (instead of off a bridge).
V is for Victories
What an odd word. And what an arrogant name (Victor). I never noticed that before...why don't people just name their child "Winner" instead? Seriously...
Here is my list of personal victories, and then I will share little lists that belong to Sprout & Seedling of their own little trophies!
Me:
1. Patience
I have definitely regained some of my patience lately, especially now that Seedling is getting older and more independent in terms of play. I can actually leave him for a few minutes to go and get Sprout a snack, or get her dressed, or get myself dressed and ready (haha...that happens...often?) without a gigantic meltdown as a result. Sprout has really been working on her listening skills lately too, and has come to understand that if she cooperates and shows good listening, we might actually get to do that fun thing that I told her we would, instead of both kids thwarting us with their tantrums, etc.
Part of the patience thing is definitely the family dog being gone. I really miss her, and so does Sprout, but we are slowly learning that life is so much less chaotic around here without all the extra barking. I feel less like all Seedling is going to grow up hearing is discipline now that one of the receivers of my sometimes-scolding has vacated the premises.
2. Self-worth & Optimism (for real)
After months and months of feeling like I am just a defective person (pregnancy, depression, bad parenting, bad wife-ing, bad mom-ing), I have come to realize that I am worth more than I have been giving myself credit for. I do need to take the time out of every day for myself to sit down and reflect on life, be grateful for what I have, and understand that not everything is going to go wrong every day, but I am working on it. It is a difficult thing for me to say, but I really am worth the effort. Work in progress.
3. Knowing when to STOP
I love being busy, but I know that I take on too much. All the time. I have a really hard time saying 'no' to people, and I know that is something I need to work on. If someone asks for a favour and I really can't do it - or shouldn't be doing it, because it is going to create a ton of extra stress - I need to start saying 'no'. So, if you ask me for something and I decline, please know it's not that I don't want to, or that I'm lazy, or that I don't like you enough (haha well, maybe that might be the case...kidding). I simply need to focus on myself and my family right now, because they have both been lacking my non-fogged attention for the last almost-year.
Small victories. I'm working on them. Now for the kids.
Sprout
1. Potty training officially completed.
As of this coming Friday, Sprout will have been potty trained for 5 weeks. I'd consider that a huge victory, for all of us in the house. Giant checkmark on the list of life. Here's a big pet peeve I've discovered though - what the HELL is with little girls' panties nowadays?! They all look like reverse thongs!! The front bits are so skinny and narrow, what are they supposed to be covering? And how is that going to be comfortable? We are trying to encourage them to potty train by saying "Underwear are so much more comfortable than a dirty wet diaper!" and then that is what we are offered?! I am seriously considering contacting someone about designing a proper pair of underwear for a little LADY, not a mini-hoochie.
2. Violence decreasing.
Okay, so she still swats, and pulls hair and clothes, and pushes and shoves, but it IS getting better. Prime example: we recently went and did a photo shoot with friends, including 3 other little ones the same age, and Sprout did absolutely amazing. The only time she made anyone cry, she was honestly just trying to hold her hand and get her to run or play "Ring around the roses". So proud. Still a work in progress.
Seedling
1. NO MORE MEDICATION!!
This is a huge one! Seedling is officially weaned completely off of his reflux medication as of two days ago, and he is doing fantastic! I can't wait to start solids and have him sitting upright more often, as that will just continue to decrease his discomfort (hopefully), and lessen the amount of puke I deal with on a daily basis.
2. Rollin', rollin', rollin'...talkin' talkin' talkin'.
What a chatty little mover I've got now! In the past two weeks, he has been pulling himself up to sitting in his bouncy chair, and he is constantly lifting his head and shoulders off the floor when he is laying on his back. He is rolling from tummy to back, and from side to side. It won't be long before the back-to-tummy flip starts happening. He can sit unsupported for a minute or so, but he gets along famously in his Bumbo chair or with a pillow (or Mommy) sitting behind him. He is extremely vocal (not a surprise, for those of you who know his big sister - she asks for snacks with "May I please have (blank), Mommy?" at 22 months old), and has been exploring all kinds of different sounds. I have found this shift a lot of fun, and so has Sprout. She can finally really interact with him, and loves having tummy time with her brother and bringing him toys to play with and reading him books and watching his reactions. She is constantly asking to hold him and rock him, and wants to help with every aspect that she can throughout the day. I am a very proud mama to both of them.
Okay, that's enough for today. Like I said, small victories, but they sure do help when it feels like things have been going wrong for a long time. Over the past year, I had a terrible pregnancy, challenging baby, headstrong violent toddler, postpartum depression, car breakdowns, and financial issues (some of all of these are definitely still present), but I really realize how much I have been distorting my reality and not focusing on the positive things that life has brought me.
I have two amazingly beautiful children, a wonderful husband who has supported me through all of my craziest times, a roof over my head, food to eat, a family who would do anything for me (especially you, Sis - the happiest of happy birthdays to you, today), and a car that...sucks...but drives. I have awesome friends that have been with me through thick and thin, and have made me laugh when I thought I couldn't even crack a smile some days. Thank you to everyone who has been trying to help me drag myself out of this gigantic hole over the past year. I'm not at the top of it yet, but I can definitely see the light of day.
Lastly, I don't talk about this a lot, but I need to thank God for helping me through my darkest time of my life. I don't think I have ever prayed as much as I have in the past year, and although the answers weren't always what I wanted, they were exactly what I needed.
Thank you for lighting up my days, Sprout & Seedling. Watching the two of you interact now just reaffirms what I thought at the beginning of my pregnancy: how awesome is it going to be for them to be so close in age. We are coming up to that 6 month mark in 5-ish weeks, and I know that from then on, time is really going to fly by, so I am just letting you know that I am going to try and take as much time as I can to slow down and really enjoy each of you in the stages you are at right now. I can't wait to watch you grow and learn more, Seedling, and at the same time, I just want to freeze my sweet little Sprout, with all her little nuggets of childhood wisdom that she shares. I love both of you with all of my heart, and I thank you for your patience while I have struggled to find mine.
xoxoxo
Mommy
