I recently complained to a friend about my son's crazy temper. At just shy of 14 months, he throws epic tantrums that outplay even those of Sprout's (she will be 3 in November of this year). In the midst of all of my complaining, I recalled a few incidents where I 'lost it' recently with my kids and husband, and my vision suddenly became clear.
Sure, I could blame it all on the summer heat - who isn't feeling a little stir crazy these days with this heat wave, as awesome as our pool days have been - but honestly...I'm going to go with the fact that I've just not been myself lately. It is amazing to me how much of an impact children and pregnancy/ies can have on your life. For example, I have now had to get my eyeglass prescription strengthened twice in the past year, supposedly because "having kids can greatly affect your eyes, you know....hormones and all that...", or so says my optometrist. Apparently having a baby can make your eyes shaped even more like footballs (my prescription is mostly astigmatism). It really just made me think, and think hard.
Here's where this blog is going: to my friends who haven't had kids yet, or to anyone who is contemplating having children, I would like to share with you a few points that you might want to consider from both sides of the argument.
Having children is an amazing, wonderful thing. It will be the most challenging, yet most rewarding experience in your life. Why wait, right? Here's my thought on holding off, and it's one that I really want you to consider carefully - everything will change when you have a baby. Be prepared for it. If all of your thoughts on having children come up with giggles, ice cream sundaes, cute baby clothes, and snuggles, take a moment and stop. It IS that wonderful at times, but you need to understand the gravity and reality of the situation. Your whole life will change. I so looked forward to my first pregnancy, and for the most part, it really wasn't bad. Neither was delivery or labour. Neither was having a baby, in general. I came home with the easiest baby in the world (the first time), but it was still a huge adjustment. Emotions run crazy wild when you are in that first postpartum year, and no matter how well things go with the baby, your marriage or relationship will undoubtedly have its own challenges.
Financially, make sure you are ready. Everyone said that to me, and I thought we were good. I was planning on working until the bitter end, but I ended up going on partial bedrest for the last 6 weeks due to muscle tearing. I hadn't planned for that, and I also hadn't planned well for having no EI or maternity leave while I was off (self-employed...benefits and drawbacks). We put ourselves into major debt, and didn't learn the second time around. I feel like an idiot looking back, and now we will be struggling to keep afloat for years to come. If you want to travel, or just lay around on the couch on the weekends, do it now. If you want to spend some more time with your friends, do it now. Don't let your friends having kids influence you to start a family of your own. That is one of the worst reasons to decide to have a baby. Peer pressure is never a good idea, no matter how old you are. All this aside, I wouldn't change a thing about when we decided to have our first little Sprout. Well, the financial stuff I would have planned better, but otherwise I wouldn't have any doubts about our decision.
Here are the good things about not waiting to start a family:
- Babies are awesome. Kids are awesome. They are a spectacle to behold, and with every new achievement, and every inch grown, you will have a new appreciation for them and for your own family that came before you that donated their DNA to aid in creating this amazing little person you get to call your own.
- Having a baby is the true test of a relationship. You never really know what your spouse is going to be like as a father or mother until it happens. You never know what you, yourself will be like as a parent. And it will constantly change. This doesn't sound good, right? It honestly is. My husband and I have grown leaps and bounds in our relationship since we had Sprout and Seedling. The challenges and arguments bring about conversations that expose different parts of ourselves that we have never shown to each other, or never known that we even had. I have had feelings that I didn't know I was capable of, both good and bad.
- Finances are always going to be tough, for most of us anyway. My thinking is that once my kids are through school and into university, my husband and I will be able to use what extra money we are able to save to travel. All I want at some point in time is to visit Paris, and what an amazing trip it would be to go just with Sprout, and have my husband and Seedling take a trip together on their own as well in the future.
- When you have kids in your house, you don't have to feel guilty about having 'kid food' in the house. Buy Froot Loops. You don't actually have to let your kids have any. You can just feel better when you put them in your car-cart at the grocery store.
The biggest and most convincing reason to have kids early? More years (hopefully) of being able to watch them grow and learn about the world around them, be there to support them, and have them there to support you. I love that I had kids early, but I keep thinking that maybe I would have been better equipped to handle two little ones 17 months apart had I been in my 30s. Who knows? Maybe I would have had less energy to do it, and maybe I would have been more mellowed out and less of a hardass, strict, eager young parent. All I can say is that I am doing the best that I can, regardless of the many meltdowns that occur daily (I joke that my neighbours will likely call social services one day because my kids scream and have fits so often...but it's really not a joke - Seedling screams like someone is trying to strangle him when he needs a diaper change. It's ridiculously excessive, but explain that to a 14 month old), and I am so happy that I had my kids when I did. They are shaping who I am, and hopefully I am helping to shape who they become in a positive and nurturing way. Or maybe I'm screwing them up by being too strict and raising my voice too often. Such is life.
I love you, Sprout & Seedling. We will probably fight like cats and dogs in your teenage years, because all three of us are headstrong and have hot tempers, but hopefully Daddy will balance things out and keep us all in check. I am so glad that I had you when I did, and I pray every day that I have the energy to continue to do as much as I can to help you grow up to be confident, polite, intelligent, well-rounded individuals. I am having so much fun with you this summer, and I can't wait to see what fun we will have on our many adventures through July and August. I love watching you discover the world, and I hope that God has it in his plans for me to be able to witness that spectacle for many years to come. Have a wonderful sleep in your air conditioned bliss, my darlings, while Mommy and Daddy sleep (not really) downstairs on the sofa bed so we don't roast like turkeys tonight.
xoxoxo
