Unreal. I cannot believe that it has been so long since the last time that I posted something new. I attended this fabulous event last year put on by Modern Mama South Edmonton called Mama Blogs, which was supposed to help inspire me to 'find my blogging voice'. I was indeed inspired, and determined to sit down and start blogging again, at least once per week. And then the summer happened. Fall followed. So did the longest winter I ever remember (I realize it's spring now, but really...have you looked outside? Winter wonderland out there).
I found myself in the middle of March, 2013, completely befuddled. Where did all of my time go? What happened to the rest of 2012? Did Christmas happen? I decided that I needed to sit down and have a long, hard look at what happened this past year. Basically, I needed to give myself a TIME OUT.
Life as a mother is busy, no matter how many children you have. As they start to grow and become more interested in sports, arts, and other activities, it just gets worse (or...better?). Right now, all I have to do is drive to preschool twice per week and dance once per week, and I feel like I'm always on the go. This year, though, with things being as busy as they have been, I feel like I have missed out on a lot.
I shouldn't complain about the fact that I have a few different jobs that allow me to stay home during the days with my kids and work evenings and weekends. But I'm going to anyway. You see, I think that being home during the day with my kids is extremely important. I will always strive to find a way that we can survive financially with me being a stay-at-home-sometimes mom. The issue with what I have been doing is this: missed FAMILY time.
Work has taken me to three different pathways this year: practicing massage in the city through a fabulous physiotherapy clinic, continuing to build my own home practice, and instructing dance. I love all three of those pathways; however, they have brought me to a point where I am now working at least 6 days per week, if not 7. And by days, I mean evenings and weekends.
What does that leave me with? Amazing bonding time with my children during the day? Well, to be honest, I have been so burned out that my 'bonding time' has consisted of me often using the TV to distract the kids while I work on choreography and lesson planning, or sewing towels for a customer (oh yeah...another job...), and when they ask me to play, I usually lay down on the floor and play the "Mommy's pretending to take a nap" game, and tell them to tiptoe so they don't awaken the beast. My patience has dwindled and dwindled down to almost nothing. I have a very difficult time being present, even though I am here. I want so badly to be the fun, easygoing mom who has boundless energy and ideas for playing and making their days at home memorable ones. I feel like I am failing them, and myself.
Let's not even mention the relationship aspect of things, or taking time out for my own hobbies and things that I enjoy. Really. I shouldn't. Because it's going to make me sound extremely bitter. Because I am.
Am I ungrateful for the opportunities that I have been presented with? NO! I am so grateful everyday that I can work so my children can take part in the extracurricular programs they want to, and that we can afford to send them to a great school. Do I feel a little overwhelmed? That might be the understatement of the year.
My relationships have suffered this year, with my husband, my children, and even myself. I have become very disconnected with my family, and made the executive decision that THINGS NEED TO CHANGE! So here are the changes I am making:
1. Making my home clinic the priority in terms of my job. I am putting in more time and effort into careful marketing and promotions. That is the reason we built our house in the location it is, and the main reason we even finished our basement.
2. Scheduling time for my family. As sad as that sounds, if I don't do it, I know it won't get done with the way things are right now. Whether it is an afternoon at the pool, or a day where we take the kids out and do whatever they want to do, it needs to happen more often than it has been. All of us, together as a family.
3. Scheduling time for my marriage. Honestly. A date night once a month might be nice. Or once every 2 months. Once every 6 months would be more than it has happened this year. I understand now how people can look at each other when their kids move away after school and say "Hello...who are you, again?"
4. Less evenings and weekends away. No matter WHAT. This means huge financial changes for us. I am giving up my dance instructing job in July, and while it breaks my heart because it has been one of the most rewarding and enjoyable positions I have ever held, I had to decide which job was taking the most time away from my family. I may also be cutting back the amount of out-of-house massages that I take in a week.
5. Getting back to being myself. As a mom, I know some of you will be able to relate to the feeling of losing yourself once you have a child/children. I used to sing. Compose. Dance. Perform. Write. My arts were my outlet, and I feel like I have completely lost sight of who I used to be, and who I still am, somewhere in there. I need to take time to do these things.
When my kids grow up, I want them to be able to look back and remember the early days of being at home with me. Even if it is only a couple snippets of memories here and there, I want them to be good ones. The kind of feelings that you get when you hear a song that reminds you of a wonderful time in your life. I want them to remember what their mom and dad were like together - what the relationship was like, so that they have something positive to model their own future relationships after. I want to be able to look back in 20 years with B and say that I put as much into my kids' early years as I could. I want them to be able to say that I taught them patience, kindness, love, respect, and everything that a parent should.
Praying it all turns out. Sorry, kids. No more pizza Fridays for a while. Well...at least not this Friday.
xoxoxo
Mommy
