The post I'll get in the most trouble for writing.

Ugh. I have been avoiding this post for a while now. I think it's finally time. Maybe you should read it through covered eyes? I know I probably will. I needed to get this out there though. Here goes nothing.

Have you heard the word 'entitled' lately? How about the words 'poor work ethic'? It seems like as time goes forward, I hear more and more of these types of words and phrases condemning the youth that are becoming 'adults' (I use the term very loosely) in our fractured world. In concurrence with that, I see a lot of other words in the news that pop up...like 'attachment parenting', 'positive discipline', 'no-zero policy', 'no chasing games at recess'. The list could go on forever, honestly. Why am I bringing all of these things up in one paragraph at the beginning of a blog (the second in the last week, I might add - patting myself on the sunburned back a bit), one might ask...because I believe they are directly related.

I'm sure I'm not the first one to blog about this, write about it, talk about it, or anything, but it is something that keeps coming up, and unless we (as parents and members of society in general) initiate some changes, there will inevitably be a huge decline in the general functionality of the generations that come after us.

These words and phrases are a problem. What is happening to our youth is a major problem. We live in a society that thrives on instant gratification, and tiptoes on eggshells around our children. It needs to stop. Actual parenting needs to happen. Not the 'I will never raise my voice, ground my children, stop them from bullying other kids because they're expressing themselves and their emotions' kind of parenting that I see on the playground. Parenting. Consequences. Not giving your children absolutely everything they want and allowing them to run your life, your schedule, etc. I'm not saying that your children's lives won't dictate your schedule and that you won't have to shuffle things in your life around them as they grow, but I don't think that saying no is a bad thing. I don't think that raising your voice is a bad thing. I don't think consequences are a bad thing for a child to learn.

Kids need to be allowed to play and get hurt sometimes to learn some responsibility for themselves. I'm not saying that if they're doing something dangerous, you should just let them do it and learn on their own ("Hey...Jimmy's playing with a really sharp knife and a set of matches...he'll figure it out, I guess..." - NO.), but they don't need someone standing over them 24/7, not allowing them to do anything for themselves. It doesn't WORK in the long-term. If you are constantly doing everything for your child, they'll never learn to do anything on their own. That includes their homework. Don't get me started on school. Seriously. The 'no-zero policy'? That is an absolute joke, and it makes me crazy just thinking about it. So kids can basically just do nothing now, pass and move on, and get rewarded for poor work ethic. If there is a child who is struggling, really struggling, and they try and give it their all, and they finally pass a class alongside a kid who didn't give a shit, flew under the radar, handed in a couple of assignments and also gets to move on...does that not just teach them that they did all of that work for absolutely nothing? How does that teach them about how the real world works?

I'm going to back up and talk about 'attachment parenting' and 'positive discipline'. While there are some definite plusses to both of these, I believe that the parents that have gone way overboard with it will continue to feed the generation that doesn't know how to do anything for themselves, and cannot take criticism, constructive or otherwise. There is a generation of kids who cannot take no for an answer (because someone has always said yes to them), expect everything to be handed to them without working (hello 'no-zero policy'), and want instant gratification - they never have to wait for a movie, tv show, or album to be released. It's online and able to be downloaded illegally weeks before its actual release date. Nobody has yelled at them (thank you, Orange Rhino blog lady), nobody has doled out actual consequences that mimic what they will deal with from day to day in their working and personal life as adults, and nobody has told them that they have to actually try to maintain relationships, friendships, etc. It takes effort.

Life.
Takes.
Effort.

It is rewarding. That is the saddest part to me about all of the changes and this entitlement that seems to be a growing disease. Not knowing the reward and the feeling of hard work finally paying off.

Parenting.
Takes.
Effort.

I'm still learning, every single day. I'm learning my limits, what works, what doesn't work, and that what worked today may not work tomorrow. I'm sure for a large number of people, the parenting tactics that are being thrown around today work very well for their children. Never say no, let them sleep with you until they outgrow either you or the bed, breastfeed them until they are 7 (I'm not against breastfeeding in general, although most of you know I hated it...this is just referring to the people who continue to breastfeed their children for more than 2-3 years), do all of their homework assignments for them, talk to their teacher about every test they do poorly on (because it must be the teacher's fault), let them have everything and anything they ever want (not need, want), and then send them off into the world and expect them to be able to function like the rest of us. I'm sure I will probably get a lot of people angry with this blog, because there are those out there that are really into 'attachment parenting' and 'co-sleeping' and 'late breastfeeding', and I'm not saying those are the sole reasons for what is happening, but I do think that this shift is not necessarily a good thing for our children as they move forward in their adult lives.


I love my kids. I would love nothing more than to cuddle them and coddle them all of the time.
I want to protect them. I don't want them to fail and feel poorly about themselves. I don't want them to feel like they had the parent who never gave them anything they wanted. That's not what I want.

I want to raise children who have respect for others.
I want my children to be kind to others.
I want them to be able to function without being completely dependent on me.
I want them to be confident, assertive, independent, in all of the best ways possible.
I want them to know that it's okay to lose your cool sometimes because it's human. You get the opportunity to apologize.
I want them to know that it is okay to fail, even if you have tried so hard that you feel like crumbling.
I want them to know the feeling that you get when you have worked so hard that you feel like crumbling, and it finally pays off.
I want them to know consequences for their actions.
I want them to know that love doesn't come from a store, and that it takes effort and time to grow.
I want them to be able to reciprocate that love, and learn to be patient about it.
I want so much more for them than what seems to be the trend in parenting lately.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to judge. I don't think that if you are trying to not yell at your kids, that you should just yell at them. I just think everything about parenting right now is coming from this angle of 'shhhhh...don't poke the sleeping bear', if you catch my drift. Innocence should be protected. Children should be allowed to be children. Sigh. I've probably gotten myself into a heap of trouble already, so I should just stop. Know that if you meet me at the playground, and you're hovering over your kids, I'm not going to judge you or talk about you when I get home. That's not my style. I'll keep reading articles in parenting magazines that tell me I should be wearing my kids in a wrap until they are 4, and I will still think that it's ridiculous. For me. And as much as I won't judge, I will be sitting at home wondering and thinking if it really is all of the things I mentioned making kids into shitheads, or if it is just a huge coincidence that they all seem to be newsworthy at the same time. Parenting is just a game of roulette, when it all comes down to it, and we're choosing the numbers and colours we hope might end up working.

I hope there is a shift. I hope there are changes. I see little things floating around Facebook and Twitter. Comments from other parents who have a similar outlook. I talk to parents at the playground, the splash park, the library, dance class, gymnastics, and school who also feel the same way I do. I know I'm not alone in thinking my crazy thoughts. Here is my final plea:

Love your children. Love them enough to teach them how to function like responsible, well-adjusted adults once they're ready to flee the nest (can't think about that one yet - makes me sob). Love them enough to know that you don't have to follow a manual or someone else's idea of what kind of parent you should be (especially me lol). Love them enough to take matters into your own hands instead of always relying on what someone else is doing, and be the kind of adult and parent that you want them to grow up to be.

xoxoxo
C.

If you change your mind.

Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I have a difficult time making tough decisions. Anyone who reads this blog knows about the struggles we have gone through trying to figure out exactly what the 'right' thing to do with Sprout for school next year will be. Anyone who has ever had a child going into kindergarten will be able to relate extremely well to what we have gone through. Anyone who also lives outside of town, has sent their kids to private school, and has struggled with the idea of homeschooling will have felt many of the emotions that we have felt. Here's the thing: I thought I was done feeling all of those things as soon as I made the very firm (in my mind) decision to homeschool Sprout next year for kindergarten. Turns out I wasn't.

I made my decision. I bought supplies. We talked about it. Planned it. Wrote out calendars. Pros and cons lists. Discussed my work schedule and the kids' activity schedules for next year. I should have felt at peace about it all, right? I didn't. And I couldn't.

Couldn't.
Sleep.
Think.
Eat.
Repeat.

I had spent countless nights laying awake and having panic attacks thinking about the whole ordeal. How would I possibly have enough time to be their mom AND their teacher? How would we keep those relationships separate? What about my job? I love teaching dance, and I eventually would like to go back to doing massage therapy again at some point. How would I be able to have a fulfilling enough career and allow for growth of the dance studio and my massage practice if I homeschooled my kids? How would they learn that they can function in this world independently? There were so many questions, and while some of them may seem silly, trivial, or selfish, I kept praying that God would send me the right answer.

He did.

One sleepless night, around 2:25am, I rolled over to see the whole stack of magazines on homeschooling and catalogues by my bed. I looked to the other side of my nightstand to see my Bible and devotional book sitting there. Two separate piles. Now, don't get me wrong. I had been so sure that God was leading us in the direction of homeschooling, but then I wondered why I still felt so much stress and unease about that decision. In that moment, I felt like I was being presented with the option of being and remaining in control of the situation (homeschooling) or letting go of the control and following the path that we had originally felt so strongly about in the first place (private Christian school) that felt more like God leading us. For those of you who don't believe, I understand how this may seem like a really fluffy and somewhat ridiculous way to make a decision, but regardless of your beliefs, I think that we all recognize things that some call 'signs'.

I talked it over with the husband. He had been reflecting on the idea often as well, though he hadn't been saying too much about it. We both came to the conclusion that despite the length of the bus ride, despite the cost of tuition (don't get me started...it makes me a little vomity to think about it), the decision to send Sprout to the private Christian school was actually in everyone's best interests. Not to say that we can't change our minds as time goes forward, but for now, this is where we are at. Do I have anything negative to say about homeschooling? NO!! I have nothing but the highest respect for those who do it, and I really think that if the situation presents itself differently in the future, we may actually go for it, but for this year...for right now...we aren't. It doesn't feel right.

Which brings me to...

KINDERGARTEN. ORIENTATION. PARENT MEETINGS. BACKPACKS. BUS RIDES. LUNCHES. RECESS. PARENT-TEACHER INTERVIEWS. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Despite all of the fun I know she is going to have, how in the world is my sweetest, first baby, little darling Sprout already old enough to go to school?! (Cue crying, and lots of it)

I can't even think about it. First parent meeting tonight. Kindergarten trial/orientation tomorrow for 2.5 hours in the morning. They are assessing her. The thought makes me laugh, because I know (and not even trying to brag) that she is going to blow them away with her reading/writing/math skills, and it also makes me weepy, because I am going to miss being a part of all of that. I'm going to miss having her around all of the time. I am also grateful to be able to have one-on-one time with Seedling, because he is a little menace that needs some of that focused attention for a couple of years before he too hits school (so he stops hitting other people...).

Sprout, you are a wonderful human being. A beautiful, marvellous miracle that I cannot believe I was blessed with. Your smile, your laugh, your kindness, your sass. On one hand, I just want to keep it all for myself, and on the other hand, I am so excited for you to be able to share and grow in who you are through the guidance of your teachers, peers, and parents. My greatest wish for you is that God continues to guide you and lead you through your life in the most blessed way, and that your heart never hardens, your smile never fades, your laugh never quiets, and your sass finds its way into the lives of others. I hope you sing, dance, write, read, and do all of the things that you already love. I hope you learn to love them even more, and find new things continually that you can do to make yourself and others happy. I just love you, sweet Sprout. All the way to the moon and back.

xoxoxo
Mommy

Who knew?

There are so many things that I have come across as a parent that made me stop abruptly and shout (in my head, mostly), "WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS?!"

#1: Why didn't anyone tell me that I would feel so much guilt after I had my kids? It is a little ridiculous, and if you're already a parent, you'll understand exactly what I mean. What's that? You bought yourself a pair of jeans? That money could have gone in your child's college fund. GUILT. Oh? You had a bit of a mommy-meltdown and yelled a little too much today? GUILT. You desperately want to get out of the house and have a night to yourself? Aren't you supposed to want to spend all of your time with your kids? GUILT. It's bullshit, really. Nobody told me how often and how much this parental guilt would pop up. Don't get me wrong, it's still worth it. Crap. Now I feel guilty for complaining about all the guilt.

#2: Why didn't anyone tell me that society makes you feel like a shitty parent. ALL the time. Social media is the worst, because you will see pictures of your friends' super clean houses and wicked awesome Pinterest crafts with some sort of monthly or weekly (or daily, for the super-achievers) theme. You'll wonder why on earth it's 3:45pm, you're still in your bathrobe, your kids are having their 30th screaming match of the afternoon (since they woke up from nap at 3:30pm), and somehow you forgot about the wet laundry in the washer last night. Oh, and you'll probably be having scrambled eggs and toast for supper, because you totally forgot to plan anything. Again, I have super-mom days where the house is spotless (kind of), the kids have played nicely (sort of), and there have been crafts, and baking, and I could post (and probably have) mom-brag photos of it all. Don't worry. Those days happen maybe once a week, if I'm really lucky. And don't get me started on the looks of disdain and/or pity in the middle of Costco when my kids are playing meltdown-tag on rotation. People suck. Whenever I see a mom bravely marching through the grocery store, ignoring the screams of her indignant preschooler in the shopping cart, I smile. Give the nod of approval, even. If I see a parent choosing to walk right out of the store, dragging a limp-noodle, bellowing toddler behind him/her, again, I might just laugh or shrug my shoulders. Do you know why? We've all been there as parents. If you haven't yet, you will someday. Be ready for it. The looks of "control your child" OR "oh, that poor, poor woman who can't control her kids..." are enough to make me want to throw something. It has seemed to get better with time, but most people we encounter during our tantrummy outings still suck.

#3: Why on earth is it so incredibly hard to figure out what to do when your kids start hitting the dreaded school-age? Okay, okay. It really wasn't going to be that difficult before we moved to the farm.

Prior to our move, we had things all planned out. Our kids were going to go to the private Christian school that was less than 10 minutes from where we lived. It was an awesome school, great push for academics, etc. Morals, values, uniforms, and just...fantastic. So fast-forward to our move. Our options are now extremely limited, in comparison to what we had to choose from. A very small division school where the kids are separated in K-3, 4-6, and 7-9 respectively. Then they would bus into the next small town for high school. Not ideal. I don't love that my 4.5 year old would be in with 8 year olds in one classroom, not to mention the difficulty in delivering 4 separate curricula over the course of a year. I know there's some overlap in the early years, but wowzers. Just not something that I am comfortable with, and that's a personal thing. There are a few public elementary schools in the area, but I would have to drive Sprout every day, and I'm going to be totally honest - I was really missing the push for academics, morals, and values that the kids would have received at the private school back in SG. They're not bad schools, it's just...not what I envisioned.

So we started looking at the private/Christian schools in the area. There are a few. The best one (according to the PAT scores and Fraser reports) is the private school that my hubby went to. The problem with this is that, before we had kids, he swore he would never send his children to that school, because of the social issues he had when he went there. Regardless, after many discussions, we decided that would be the best thing, because it was closest to our original decision before we moved. I tossed and turned and had horrible dreams for weeks. Not kidding. Super stressed out, which seems silly, but it's so hard to know what the right decision is. I started thinking about the time spent on the bus (over 7.5 hours per week once they are in school full-time), the cost (almost $700/month just for elementary school, and just about $1000/month in high school), and the fact that because of those two elements, the kids would have zero opportunity to be involved in other things, like piano lessons, dance classes, gymnastics, hockey, etc. We wouldn't have the money OR the time. Which brings me to...

#4: Why didn't anyone tell me that my opinions on things could change COMPLETELY?

I was so anti-homeschooling until about six months ago, when we started talking about different options once we moved to the farm. I always thought that only crazy families homeschooled their kids, to keep them sheltered and weird (not unlike their parents, in many cases). I thought that homeschooled kids must all be weird and unsocialized, unable to attend college/university and really function well in society. Well...a lot has changed. The world of homeschooling has changed dramatically in the past 10-15 years, and there are so many amazing and different options and opportunities now. I have done months and months of research, reading articles, studies, polling people, interviewing homeschooled kids-turned-adults, and homeschooling parents. What I've found is this: there are wrong ways and right ways to homeschool. If you don't make your child's social/emotional education as much of a priority as their cognitive and motor development, you're probably going to end up with a child who doesn't understand how to function in our society. Also, I learned that the "weird kids" probably would have still been the "weird kids" in public school. Homeschooling would give my kids the opportunity to learn at their own pace, to learn through travel, to visit family and take more road trips, and to partake in more extracurricular activities.

So here's what we have decided to do, after so many nights staying up late talking, not sleeping, stressing out, etc: for one year, for Sprout's kindergarten year, we are going to try homeschooling. I think it's a fantastic opportunity to see if it works for all of us. She will be 4, turning 5. She would have almost been at the end of the cutoff if I sent her to school. We'll do it for a year, and if it doesn't work out (I hate it, if she hates it, or if it just simply doesn't feel right) we don't have to continue. Depending on where she is in September of 2015, she can either go to kindergarten, or she can start grade 1 in whatever school we decide to send her to. I am really hoping that it works out, though, because I really do believe in the benefits after all of the research we have done.

She is SUPER excited about the prospect of doing school at home, and being able to continue taking piano, dance classes, gymnastics, and even some new things (we're trying tee-ball this year...stay tuned for some hilarious updates about my clumsy, uncoordinated Sprout trying to hit/throw/catch a ball).

#5: The final thing that I wish someone would have told me is that you will make mistakes, and it's okay to make them. It's okay to try something and have to change it up if it doesn't work. You're not going to mess up the rest of their lives if you cloth diaper (or don't), bottle feed (or breast feed), dress them in regular clothes (or sleepers every day), try baby-led weaning (or feed them baby food from a jar), force them to go outside despite irrational fears of flying insects (or stay inside on the nicest days of the year because of said phobia), yell at them for something silly (or don't yell at them and laugh when they do something bad, but funny), or send them to school (or homeschool). Everyone's lives are different, and someone else's mistake could be a parenting victory for you.

This one's for you, Sprout. Thank you for helping me make such a difficult decision. I am looking forward to having at least one more precious year with you doing school at home, and the possibility of many more. I'm sure there will be a lot of good days and bad days, but we'll be in it together, and I will always be here for you and your little brother. I cannot wait to see where this journey takes us next!


xoxoxo
Mommy