Why didn't anyone tell me...

Today's blog is brought to you by the word 'Why'. Why, you ask? (Oh, I'm so witty, I know...) For lack of a better topic to write about, I thought I would share my personal thoughts on the things that I wish someone had told me about pregnancy and motherhood in general before I got pregnant. I'll try to keep it to 10...I really will.

1. The Widening of the Hips

Let me take a moment to describe to you exactly what happened from the moment of conception to the time I was 8 weeks along in my pregnancy. If you have been reading my other posts, you will already know that I absolutely knew very early on that I was pregnant. I had all of the classic symptoms (minus the morning sickness), and was expecting to have to purchase maternity clothes by around 5 months. To give you an idea of what I was basing this crazy notion on, my sister was able to walk out of the hospital three days after a Caesarean section wearing her pre-pregnancy jeans. We also put her wedding dress (purchased pre-prego) on her when she was 4 months along. No problem. My mom hardly gained any weight when she was pregnant with both me and my sister, and even had trouble trying to pack on the pounds during her pregnancy with my little brother, which she was advised to do. Me, on the other hand...apparently the fact that I lacked hips in the first place was a huge factor in what happened to my body those first two months. All of a sudden, I had garish, deep fuschia gouges all across my lower back, inner thighs, and ass. Not only that, but I couldn't fit into any of my pants! So much for trying to wear my regular clothes for the majority of the pregnancy. I tried so hard to keep from buying maternity clothes (which I knew I would just grow out of...) that I actually ended up bending over - at home, thankfully - and ripping the seat out of two pairs of pants!! At 8 weeks post-conception, I already had horrific stretch marks, and had to ditch my jeans for maternity jeans...which brings me to the second point...

2. Maternity Pants - Why Don't We Wear Them ALL The Time?!

If someone had told me how unbelievably comfortable maternity pants would be, I would have bought at least one pair to wear on "fat days" (around the time of my period) and at Christmas and Thanksgiving so I could stuff myself without it showing. After being forced into them at 8 weeks, I wondered why all pants weren't manufactured this way. Let me explain. Maternity pants, even the denim, are really stretchy. We're talking almost spandex. Very forgiving. Not spandex like Lululemon pants on someone who shouldn't be wearing them, just...comfortable. They have give in all the right places, and don't threaten to split when you bend down to pick something up off the floor. Another thing they don't do when you bend over - NO plumber's crack!!!! That beautiful tummy panel wraps all the way around the waistline of the jeans, and eradicates all of those public panty-viewing sessions. Nobody wants to see that, especially on a woman who is prego...like, mego prego. So maternity pants...another plus is that you can wear them after you have your baby, and not feel like you're constantly in sweats until your pre-pregnancy jeans fit again (or don't, in my case). The maternity clothes they sell now are pretty stylish, and there are a ton of options for wardrobe pieces. For example, I bought a ton of dresses for the summer when I was in my second trimester that I could probably still wear this year without looking like I'm trying to hide my jelly belly. Those of you who don't own a pair of maternity jeans - buy one. You won't regret the money spent, and you will be happy to have something you can wear when you're feeling a little...bloated...over the holiday season, or during the crimson tide.

3. Pee, Pee, and More Pee (or "Stay Away if You're Squeamish")

I had been told by a friend that urinary incontinence was very common post-delivery due to stretching and damage to the internal portions of your bladder, ureters, urethra, etc. What they failed to tell me was that you can have leaking during your pregnancy. I went to the doctor on three separate occasions thinking that I was leaking fluid. I was, just not amniotic. It was urine. You'd think that if you were leaking pee everywhere that you'd recognize the smell, right? Wrong. When you're pregnant, your urine has a totally different smell. That, and the horrid amount of discharge present makes for a difficult assessment of the puddle in your underwear. My obstetrician told me that amniotic fluid smells somewhat like maple syrup. When I was actually leaking amniotic fluid, it smelled nothing like maple syrup. I didn't think it smelled like anything. I was pretty sure it was pee, actually. I had a wicked cold, and was coughing hard enough that I was sure Sprout's head would just fall out. Every time I coughed during those last fateful days of my pregnancy, I felt like I was losing a little fluid. How was I supposed to know? I was huge, and pretty certain that I couldn't break my own water by coughing. After I delivered Sprout, I was super concerned about having incontinence. I've been fine, and it's been over four months. Thank goodness.

4. Oh, Crap. Literally.

That whole thing about pooping on the table during delivery? Not going to lie, definitely happened. And those people who told me "Oh, you won't even notice it if you do!" were total liars. I knew exactly what was happening, and believe me - having your knees up to your ears and being wide open to the world down there with a big spotlight shining on your girlie bits is awkward enough without the presence of shit. I'm not going to give explicit details about it, but it was really gross. And mortifying to have the nurses cleaning you and the table up pretty much after every push. For an hour. I'm just glad that I didn't invite anyone else into the room during my delivery. My husband, who was incredible throughout the whole thing, claims not to have seen (or smelled...) any such poop, though he was up by my side holding my leg and coaching me through my contractions. Maybe he is just lying about it, but either way it made me feel a lot better afterwards. Pushing a baby out in front of your spouse is one thing, but pushing out...well, you catch my drift, I'm sure.

5. Opt For The Epidural

Nobody ever told me that an epidural might not work, or that there was such a thing as not being a good candidate for one. Already went over this story, so I won't elaborate, but let me just say - not being able to have an epidural during labour "the next time"...pretty much makes me not ever want to have a "next time".

6. Stretch Mark Cream

IT. DOESN'T. WORK. If you're going to get them, you're going to get them. Apparently, there are products on the market that help to fade stretch marks after the fact. I used Bio- Oil, body butter, tummy butter, stretch mark oil, stretch mark cream, etc. Nothing helped. I still ended up with them everywhere. When I asked my obstetrician, she laughed at me. She said that nothing you put on your skin will stop them, but you will have a very soft belly and hips! She was right, unfortunately, as she always was.

7. Breast Is Best

I thought babies came out with some sort of magical manual when it comes to breastfeeding. I'd know when to do it and how to do it, and so would she. Again, not going to elaborate too much, but I was completely unprepared for how difficult it actually was.

8. See..Madonna....Seemadonna...Simmadonna...Simmadownna...Simmerdownnow...

Hormones. Bah. If you had PMS before, just wait until you have had a baby. Or maybe you already have. If so, I'm sure you can relate! Nothing compares to the newfound patience you will have for your child, or it didn't for me, anyways. And likewise, nothing compares to the absolute impatience you will have for your spouse, siblings, parents, in-laws, etc. If you're like me (and most moms I have talked to are), nobody will do things right for the first little while. You will hate your husband (or wife) with a passion, and will not try to hide it. Every little thing will set you off to the point where you might just feel like throwing, say...an apple...at said spouse. Not joking. There was a big applesauce splat on the wall behind the bedroom door for a few days. I don't know if it was actual postpartum depression. Could have been, but it's definitely much better now. I think that the stress of breastfeeding/pumping, having a 7 month old, 35 pound puppy, lack of sleep, second dog, relationship stresses in general, and the hormonal shifts that seem to constantly occur in the first few months post-natally all just piled on top of me until I seemed to break. My mom and sister actually had to come in and do damage control. That was the day we decided the puppy had to go. We loved her, but it was way too much for me to handle. Picture this: I'm in my housecoat pumping (I have a handsfree pump), Sprout is in her swing (fairly unhappy), and I've let the dogs outside. The doorbell rings, and it's a neighbour informing me frantically that my dog has scaled the fence and is out of the yard. Cut to me, in housecoat with yesterday's makeup on and my hair in pigtails, running down the street after my dog in my husband's shoes with my pump still going strong. I'm pretty sure the only thing that wasn't quite "white trash" enough was the lack of cigarette hanging out of the corner of my mouth, and a set of pink foam curlers in my hair. The dog got sent to the humane society, where she was adopted out in less than a month. Hardest decision we've had to make, but one of the best ones since Sprout was born. Our house is much more peaceful now.

9. How Do You Spell Baby? D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

Want to know the ultimate test for a relationship? Have a child together. Bringing a baby into your lives will either make or break your marriage. I have much more respect now for those couples whose marriages did not make it through the first year of their child's life, because I can absolutely see how easy it would seem to walk away. I'm pretty sure I've told my husband I want a divorce at least four times in the past four months, and been very serious about it. I actually contemplated calling my lawyer a few times, just to see what my options were. I'm not saying it's like this for everyone, I just wish someone had told me how difficult it would be. One thing I will say about the change is that as more time goes on, the more positive the change in our relationship becomes. We have grown together through this experience instead of apart, and have fallen more in love with each other because of our shared love for Sprout. It really could have gone either way, but I am so fortunate to have such a supportive spouse, and one who will put up with the case of the crazies I seem to get every so often. And likewise, he is lucky I don't make him sleep on the concrete floor in the basement when he's being a total asshole (which, according to him, never happens). Anyways, just expect change. That's all I'm saying. It takes a while, but you will appreciate it more and more as your child grows and life continues to change.

10. Love...love love love love love.

From the time I was told I was having a girl, I knew I was going to love my daughter. People had mentioned to me the possibility of not feeling connected to my child right off the bat, and how that was totally normal. Many mothers don't really bond with their babies or feel love for them immediately. There are some who even say that they resent their children for the first few months. I never had that issue. Luckily, I had (and still have) such an amazingly calm and easy child. Other than the breastfeeding issues, Sprout was a dream baby. The first couple of months were normal, feeding every 90 minutes to two hours, lots of burping, diaper changes, no long stretches of sleep, etc., but I didn't expect anything different. She barely cried. I know how extremely fortunate I was/am, and I still don't take the good days/nights for granted. Nothing will ever compare to the way that she looks into my eyes with the absolute purest love. She melts my heart, and even when she is crabby and whining, I can't help but smile at her. I am in awe of my daughter every single minute since she left my womb, and I think I will be for the rest of my life. The thought of how she came into this world still boggles my mind. Human reproduction is a miracle in itself. All of the factors that have to come together to create new life...it's just incredible. If anyone had told me that I could love Sprout as much as I do, I simply wouldn't have believed them. I didn't think this kind of love existed.

So there you have it. 10 things. I kept my promise today, although this is still a long post (sorry). I love you, Sprout. And husband. And dog. Most of all, I love my new life as a mommy. Good night, and sweet dreams my Sprout. Have a good "Daddy" day tomorrow. As much as I hate going to work, it's all to make a better life for you.

xoxoxo

Mommy