If you change your mind.

Anyone who knows me well can attest to the fact that I have a difficult time making tough decisions. Anyone who reads this blog knows about the struggles we have gone through trying to figure out exactly what the 'right' thing to do with Sprout for school next year will be. Anyone who has ever had a child going into kindergarten will be able to relate extremely well to what we have gone through. Anyone who also lives outside of town, has sent their kids to private school, and has struggled with the idea of homeschooling will have felt many of the emotions that we have felt. Here's the thing: I thought I was done feeling all of those things as soon as I made the very firm (in my mind) decision to homeschool Sprout next year for kindergarten. Turns out I wasn't.

I made my decision. I bought supplies. We talked about it. Planned it. Wrote out calendars. Pros and cons lists. Discussed my work schedule and the kids' activity schedules for next year. I should have felt at peace about it all, right? I didn't. And I couldn't.

Couldn't.
Sleep.
Think.
Eat.
Repeat.

I had spent countless nights laying awake and having panic attacks thinking about the whole ordeal. How would I possibly have enough time to be their mom AND their teacher? How would we keep those relationships separate? What about my job? I love teaching dance, and I eventually would like to go back to doing massage therapy again at some point. How would I be able to have a fulfilling enough career and allow for growth of the dance studio and my massage practice if I homeschooled my kids? How would they learn that they can function in this world independently? There were so many questions, and while some of them may seem silly, trivial, or selfish, I kept praying that God would send me the right answer.

He did.

One sleepless night, around 2:25am, I rolled over to see the whole stack of magazines on homeschooling and catalogues by my bed. I looked to the other side of my nightstand to see my Bible and devotional book sitting there. Two separate piles. Now, don't get me wrong. I had been so sure that God was leading us in the direction of homeschooling, but then I wondered why I still felt so much stress and unease about that decision. In that moment, I felt like I was being presented with the option of being and remaining in control of the situation (homeschooling) or letting go of the control and following the path that we had originally felt so strongly about in the first place (private Christian school) that felt more like God leading us. For those of you who don't believe, I understand how this may seem like a really fluffy and somewhat ridiculous way to make a decision, but regardless of your beliefs, I think that we all recognize things that some call 'signs'.

I talked it over with the husband. He had been reflecting on the idea often as well, though he hadn't been saying too much about it. We both came to the conclusion that despite the length of the bus ride, despite the cost of tuition (don't get me started...it makes me a little vomity to think about it), the decision to send Sprout to the private Christian school was actually in everyone's best interests. Not to say that we can't change our minds as time goes forward, but for now, this is where we are at. Do I have anything negative to say about homeschooling? NO!! I have nothing but the highest respect for those who do it, and I really think that if the situation presents itself differently in the future, we may actually go for it, but for this year...for right now...we aren't. It doesn't feel right.

Which brings me to...

KINDERGARTEN. ORIENTATION. PARENT MEETINGS. BACKPACKS. BUS RIDES. LUNCHES. RECESS. PARENT-TEACHER INTERVIEWS. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Despite all of the fun I know she is going to have, how in the world is my sweetest, first baby, little darling Sprout already old enough to go to school?! (Cue crying, and lots of it)

I can't even think about it. First parent meeting tonight. Kindergarten trial/orientation tomorrow for 2.5 hours in the morning. They are assessing her. The thought makes me laugh, because I know (and not even trying to brag) that she is going to blow them away with her reading/writing/math skills, and it also makes me weepy, because I am going to miss being a part of all of that. I'm going to miss having her around all of the time. I am also grateful to be able to have one-on-one time with Seedling, because he is a little menace that needs some of that focused attention for a couple of years before he too hits school (so he stops hitting other people...).

Sprout, you are a wonderful human being. A beautiful, marvellous miracle that I cannot believe I was blessed with. Your smile, your laugh, your kindness, your sass. On one hand, I just want to keep it all for myself, and on the other hand, I am so excited for you to be able to share and grow in who you are through the guidance of your teachers, peers, and parents. My greatest wish for you is that God continues to guide you and lead you through your life in the most blessed way, and that your heart never hardens, your smile never fades, your laugh never quiets, and your sass finds its way into the lives of others. I hope you sing, dance, write, read, and do all of the things that you already love. I hope you learn to love them even more, and find new things continually that you can do to make yourself and others happy. I just love you, sweet Sprout. All the way to the moon and back.

xoxoxo
Mommy