You'd better watch out...

Ahh the threat of Santa Claus watching over your children's every move during the holiday season...it's a beautiful thing. I can't tell you how much Sprout's behaviour has improved since I told her about the "Nice List" and the "Naughty List". I even made one of those videos from Santa for her and clicked the box for him to challenge her to listen to her Mommy better! Hahaha...the things we do to our children. Temper tantrums aside, I absolutely love Christmas.

I grew up in a family that also loves Christmas. Maybe a little too much. The last time we all stayed over at my mom's place, there were presents spilling out into the middle of the living room, and the stockings were not hung with care, they were stuffed to almost bursting and stacked with more gifts on the couches and chairs in the basement. My mom taught me that Christmas was all about giving from a very early age. Finding that perfect gift for someone that will just make them light up is such an amazing thing. We also did a lot of the charity things around Christmas - buying a gift for a child whose name & age were on the Salvation Army tree at the store, filling shoeboxes for underprivileged children in third-world countries, etc. I still love buying gifts for my family, and coming up with that great idea that will make their day just a little bit brighter.

Here's where I run into a snag. Obviously, there should be a happy medium. You can't (well...some people can...but maybe shouldn't) buy everything that everyone has on their wish lists. Especially when it comes to your kids. This is just my personal opinion, but from what I have seen, the kids that get absolutely everything that they want grow up with such an air of entitlement...it makes me want to vomit. No appreciation for anything; they seem to take advantage of anyone who will give them something that they want. My mom had my sister and I when she was very young (think teenage school years), and we didn't have a lot of extra money floating around when we were kids. What she did do around Christmas though was make sure that we felt like we were special, and that the magic of Santa Claus was around enough to make our eyes sparkle on Christmas Day.

I know that feeling of wanting to give your kids everything. Sprout will see something new and it's all I can do to not just swipe it off the shelf and give it to her. It kills me. Seriously. The 'good mom' part of my brain stops me (so does my bank account) 99% of the time, but I definitely kind of sort of went overboard for Christmas this year for Sprout. And Seedling. But I found some really awesome deals, and great ideas, and I wanted to share some of them with you!

1. Build-A-Bear (http://www.buildabear.com/)

For Sprout's first Christmas, we built her a teddy bear and recorded a message from myself and her Daddy for her to have as a cuddly keepsake (what else do you get a 5 week old baby?!) and we are doing the same this year for Seedling's first Christmas. Although, he will be 7 months old, and will probably realize that it's something new and it talks...with Mommy & Daddy's voices...

2. Consignment Stuff/Kijiji/Ebay

These were the BEST finds this year! From a lovely lady on Kijiji, I ended up with a gigantic bin of Fisher Price Little People sets (Surprise Sounds Zoo, Racing Garage, Circus) and other various toys for $40! They were in immaculate condition, and the best part about those toys - throw them in a sink full of bleach water and scrub...and they're good as new! Seedling will get a few great things for a couple months down the road.

I got a bunch of toys and dress-up clothes for Sprout through consignment sites on Facebook. They are so awesome, and were so reasonable - plus, they delivered them right to my door! I didn't have to brave the icy roads (which haven't been that icy lately) or bundle up the kids and drive to SEC or Leduc to pick my items up!

Ebay is a great place to look for things that you can't find in the stores. I bought one of Sprout's most treasured items on her Christmas list (a stuffed Maximus horse from the movie, Tangled) through a seller on Ebay who actually reduced her price in half when I messaged her and asked if she would be willing to let it go for less. The darn things are sold out in Disney stores across North America, and are selling for exorbitant amounts of money online. It never hurts to ask - people are usually willing to negotiate, especially around the holidays!

3. Online Ordering

Man, there are some incredible deals online during the holidays. I can't really elaborate without giving away some of the things that I got...tee hee. Sorry, family. Not going to let that cat out of the bag just yet!

The best gift that I found I can't blog about yet...you're just going to have to wait until after December 25th, just like the rest of us!

Of course, Christmas isn't just about gifts. I have been explaining to Sprout the reason why we even give gifts at all during Christmas, and she has been extremely receptive. I think it is extremely important for her to know that it's not just a time for people to give her stuff that she wants - this is the time of year that we celebrate Jesus, and the gift that he was (and is) to all of us. The other lesson I have been trying to teach is being thankful and having good manners about gifts, even if it's something that you don't really like. Hard for a 2 year old, but she has amazing intuition and perception about things like that. If there's one thing that drives me nuts, it's people being ungrateful for the gifts they receive. I understand if it's a clothing item that doesn't fit or suit your style that needs to be returned or exchanged, but it's having the right attitude about it all. Ha. And I totally sidetracked back to gifts. Good grief.

Here's hoping that everyone's Christmases are merry, bright, and full of laughter, good company, even better food and treats, and that you all get to thoroughly enjoy the company of your children during the holidays. To me, the magic of Christmas is seeing my children's faces when we sing carols, light up and decorate the tree, turn on the outside lights, sit with Santa and share Christmas wishes, bake cookies and treats together, make crafts, play in the snow, open presents, and lastly - when we all take the time to reflect and remember why it is that we celebrate this beautiful holiday.

I can't wait to teach you more about the story of Christmas, Sprout & Seedling! And I am so excited for Santa Claus to come and pay us a visit on Christmas Eve - remember to continue to be good so that you stay on that all-important "Nice List"! I love you so much, and I hope that you both have a wonderful Christmas this year!

xoxoxo

Mommy

If only I could freeze time for a little while...

Looking back over the past few weeks at the blog posts that I wrote at the very beginning - where I started, how far things have come in my life as well as Sprout's - I have been an emotional wreck. First birthdays are so exciting! There are so many amazing new things that your child is doing all the time, and though bittersweet, it is a happy event overall. Second birthdays, however...they seem to come with the realization of how quickly the time really does pass. I feel like I can hardly remember what it felt like to be pregnant that first time; my labour and delivery, the first six months at home with my beautiful baby girl, the first Christmas, first birthday...etc. I flipped through her scrapbook the other day, and I honestly cried. A big, ugly cry. Sobbing, tears, mascara, snot...it wasn't very pretty. On this momentous (and tearful) occasion then, I need to write my little princess her own birthday letter. Because, you know...it's tradition.

My dearest not-so-little, two-year-old Sprout,

What a crazy two years this has been for you! Can you believe that in two short years, you went from being a completely dependent tiny little baby to my big, independent, 'I do it myself', potty-trained beauty?! I can't even remember all of your accomplishments over the past year since your last letter - there have been way too many! All I know is how incredibly proud I am of you and all the leaps and bounds you have made.

Thank you for growing out of that silly super-aggressive phase. You have become such a sweet girl, and even though you don't really enjoy sharing your toys (and you really like to point out that things are 'MINE'), you have been so gentle with your little brother and all of your friends lately that it just makes Mommy's heart sing! I know that you still have your sassy personality - you tell me "I'm sassy, Mommy!" all the time - and I wouldn't trade that for anything, but you have been listening so well to Mommy (and Daddy) lately. It makes me so proud of you.

When I get the chance to just sit quietly on the sidelines and listen to you playing, or watch you singing or dancing with Monster, my heart is so full of pride and joy that I honestly feel like it might just burst. I never knew I would have so much room in my heart to love you and your little brother. You have the most incredible imagination for being two years old, and the craziest vocabulary (I just got told that your favourite word this morning was 'carnelian' - thanks, Gramma...), and you are learning all kinds of new things that you show me and tell me about every day.

You are the most beautiful little girl, and you and your brother make my days full of sunshine and happiness. I love nothing more than hanging out with the two of you day after day, reading books, playing games, learning, doing crafts, making meals (and treats - I know how much you love to bake with Mommy!) I wouldn't change a single thing about my life with you, and I hope that you know and understand to the fullest of your abilities how much you mean to me, and how much I love you.

I can't wait to see what the next year is going to bring. You are an amazing big sister to Seedling already, and I know that the older the both of you get, the more you will be able to play and interact. I am already so excited for next summer, even though the s-n-o-w has taken over our lives for another winter season. I couldn't imagine a more perfect daughter, Sprout. You are the child that I dreamt about for years before you finally came into my life. I love you more than I could ever express to you, and I just want to say a great big thank-you for being exactly who you are. You are beautiful, smart, funny, outgoing, witty, shy at the cutest moments, talented, and just all-around perfect. (How big is your ego going to be when you hit school if I keep this up? Oh, boy...) Thank you (and you too, Seedling) for having a great nap today so Mommy could write this letter for you to read when you get big enough. At the rate you're going, you'll probably be reading before you're three! I love you. Happy second birthday, my beautiful little Sprout.

xoxoxo

Mommy

Seedling.

As promised, here is one of two blog postings this week. Today marks my little Seedling's six month milestone, or half-birthday, if you will. Much like I did for my beautiful Sprout, here is a little letter to my handsome tiny man:

To my dearest Seedling on your half-birthday,

This has been an extremely emotional rollercoaster ride, and I don't imagine it is going to get any less crazy anytime soon. That being said, I wouldn't have it any other way. Through all of your ups and downs (and mine...I haven't forgotten yet...) in these first tumultuous months, you have grown into the most incredible, beautiful, happy - yes, HAPPY - little boy!

I am so proud of how much we have overcome together over the past half-year: keeping you safe in my tummy until your still-early arrival, insanely fast labour and delivery (thank you!), hypoglycemia in the hospital, jaundice, projectile vomiting...out your nose...with blood in it, GERD (acid reflux), choking and hospital visits, laryngomalacia, different meds, lots of doctor visits, breastfeeding, formula feeding, colic, 18 hour days of non-stop screaming, sleepless nights (and days)...the list could really go on and on. I don't want to talk about the things that made this journey difficult anymore. I am letting them go. We both had a rough transition after your arrival, but things are much different now, and I have been focused on the future now more than ever.

You have accomplished so much, and can do so many amazing things. You can sit on your own for a few minutes at a time already (stop trying to constantly eat your toes, and it might help with the 'folding in half and not being able to get up' issue), you have incredibly strong legs - and always want to jump and stand, you can roll over from your back to your tummy (and back again), you can drink out of a sippy cup on your own, eat a Mum-Mum cracker by yourself, you have tried (and loved) so many new foods that I have lost count, you can play 'peekaboo' with your sister (and parents too) with a stuffed animal or blankie, and my personal favourite: you have learned to blow raspberries. Like you really needed another way to get drool out of your mouth in a more efficient manner. (Seriously. I'm running out of bibs.)

The best thing that has happened though? You are a happy baby! Finally! You are always smiling and laughing at the tiniest things, and it seems to take absolutely nothing to get a grin out of you, or one of your adorable giggles. I am so glad that you are growing out of the things that made you such a miserable little mite for the first 3-4 months, and that everyone around you is now able to enjoy how wonderful you are, and really fall in love with you.

It took Mommy a long time, Seedling, to feel that connection or bond between the two of us. I assume it probably felt the same way for you - I was your Mommy, but I wasn't very present at the beginning. It all feels like it was a blur, and I went through it wearing fogged glasses. I couldn't be happier now, and I cannot wait to see what the next six months brings, and watch you continue to grow and develop into the cute little monster I already see coming forth! I love you wholeheartedly, and it makes me so happy to be able to say that to you. You and your sister are my world, tiny Seedling. Every day, every minute, every second. None of it goes by without me thinking about you and how much I love being your Mommy. I am so proud of the beautiful little boy you have become, and how much joy you bring into everyone's life and hearts.

Your little ears must have been burning, because I can hear you babbling up in your crib, chewing on what sounds like your soother or your hands. I am coming to pick you up now, and will hold you in my arms for a few extra minutes today (I know you're already spoiled with too many snuggles, but I just can't help myself!). Thanks for giving me time to write this on the actual day. I love you, Seedling.

xoxoxo

Mommy

What the xylophone is a yellow zebra?

I'm absolutely cheating on the last four letters of my crazy long alphabet blog. Why? Because, as of next week, my little Sprout will be TWO years old, and my growing Seedling will be SIX months old!! I can't believe how much has changed, and how the time has flown. So I'm cheating. Don't hold it against me, okay?

W is for Wowzers. And the rest just follows suit.

Everyone I know told me that the first six months after Seedling was born would be the most difficult. It would be a rough adjustment for everyone in the family, and I would probably hate being a mother until it was over. I laughed it off every time someone told me the same thing, usually saying something along the lines of "Oh...you know, I'm sure it will be awesome. I had such an easy time adjusting after Sprout was born, and I love being a mom. I don't think anything will really change much, we'll just have another tiny mouth to feed!" Oh, boy...was I ever wrong.

If you've been following along, you know all the issues we've had in the last year: pregnancy complications, sick baby, aggressive toddler, postpartum depression, etc, etc. I used to think that if I would have known how much life was going to change, I would never have had my kids so close together. Now that almost six months has passed, I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing.

The 'wowzers' is basically attributed to the fact that I can't believe how hard I hit rock bottom, and how quickly things have turned around. To an outsider, maybe six months is a long haul, but to me it feels like minutes, and my terrible pregnancy feels like it lasted for seconds. Factor in Seedling's under-2-minute delivery, and you can imagine how split-second THAT one feels. I can hardly remember the last half of this year!

Coming up on the half-birthday for Seedling and the second birthday for my sweet little Sprout, I have been feeling super emotional. This has been the most difficult, most rewarding, happiest, saddest, rollercoaster ride...I couldn't have even surmised where I would be today three years ago when I got pregnant for the first time, and subsequently miscarried. Since then, life has turned upside down and inside out, and I am definitely feeling overwhelmed looking back. Those who were at Sprout's birthday last year know that not only did I not cry, I actually announced my being pregnant with Seedling to family and friends at her party. It was a joyous and momentous occasion, despite morning sickness and a crazy cold that attacked our family the week of her birthday.

Here we are again. I'm gathering the last-minute things for Sprout's party this week. We're going a bit more low-key, less people, less chaos. She's already in the attitude of 'two going on twelve', so I don't want to stir the pot by having it be way too much craziness the day of her party. I will be blogging next week (birthday letters for both of my lovies) about the party, etc, so I won't go into it too much now, other than to say...man, I'm a sap right now. I can barely even handle typing this without starting the waterworks flowing.

When I look at how much Sprout & Seedling love each other, my heart just melts. No matter what I went through, no matter what either of them went through, one glance at the two of them goofing around and listening to the resulting peals of laughter from both is enough to remind me that God certainly has a way with timing. The unconditional love of a child for his or her parents is one thing to behold - it is an amazing feeling to have them snuggle into you and know that you are the one who makes them feel safe and adored - but to watch the love blossom and grow between two siblings is a spectacle all on its own. Sure, they still drive me crazy sometimes (although, after saying "You know, you make me crazy!" to Sprout this week, she retorted with "You make me mental, Mommy!"), but on the whole, most of our days are spent happily interacting together.

Okay, end of the alphabet. Done. Hooray! I totally cheated, but I feel okay about it. If anyone wants to complain, find a suitable topic for me to write about that starts with the letter 'x'. All I really wanted to say today is how much better things have gotten, and how astounded I am with my children. I love them more than I can ever express, and now that I'm feeling less crazy, I definitely love being a mom yet again, which I definitely couldn't imagine six months ago.

I can't wait to celebrate both of your milestones with you this next week, my beautiful Seedling & Sprout!! Thank you so much for all your love, and for napping at the same time today so that Mommy could have some much-needed time to blog! Sweet dreams, my prince & princess.

xoxoxo

Mommy

Victorious!!

Lately, I've been feeling like I am emerging from a green, misty, fog-laden bog into a blossoming meadow of sunshine and lavender.

Mmmmph. Giggle. Snort.

Okay, so maybe not that elaborate, but I have been gaining clarity and a new, fresh perspective on life and mommyhood. Chalk it up to the fact that Seedling has made developmental leaps and bounds over the past two weeks, or simply that my therapist is actually getting into my head and dusting off my proverbial bookshelves, if you will. Either way, for the first time, I am feeling like I have made a few leaps in the right direction (instead of off a bridge).

V is for Victories

What an odd word. And what an arrogant name (Victor). I never noticed that before...why don't people just name their child "Winner" instead? Seriously...

Here is my list of personal victories, and then I will share little lists that belong to Sprout & Seedling of their own little trophies!

Me:

1. Patience

I have definitely regained some of my patience lately, especially now that Seedling is getting older and more independent in terms of play. I can actually leave him for a few minutes to go and get Sprout a snack, or get her dressed, or get myself dressed and ready (haha...that happens...often?) without a gigantic meltdown as a result. Sprout has really been working on her listening skills lately too, and has come to understand that if she cooperates and shows good listening, we might actually get to do that fun thing that I told her we would, instead of both kids thwarting us with their tantrums, etc.

Part of the patience thing is definitely the family dog being gone. I really miss her, and so does Sprout, but we are slowly learning that life is so much less chaotic around here without all the extra barking. I feel less like all Seedling is going to grow up hearing is discipline now that one of the receivers of my sometimes-scolding has vacated the premises.

2. Self-worth & Optimism (for real)

After months and months of feeling like I am just a defective person (pregnancy, depression, bad parenting, bad wife-ing, bad mom-ing), I have come to realize that I am worth more than I have been giving myself credit for. I do need to take the time out of every day for myself to sit down and reflect on life, be grateful for what I have, and understand that not everything is going to go wrong every day, but I am working on it. It is a difficult thing for me to say, but I really am worth the effort. Work in progress.

3. Knowing when to STOP

I love being busy, but I know that I take on too much. All the time. I have a really hard time saying 'no' to people, and I know that is something I need to work on. If someone asks for a favour and I really can't do it - or shouldn't be doing it, because it is going to create a ton of extra stress - I need to start saying 'no'. So, if you ask me for something and I decline, please know it's not that I don't want to, or that I'm lazy, or that I don't like you enough (haha well, maybe that might be the case...kidding). I simply need to focus on myself and my family right now, because they have both been lacking my non-fogged attention for the last almost-year.

Small victories. I'm working on them. Now for the kids.

Sprout

1. Potty training officially completed.

As of this coming Friday, Sprout will have been potty trained for 5 weeks. I'd consider that a huge victory, for all of us in the house. Giant checkmark on the list of life. Here's a big pet peeve I've discovered though - what the HELL is with little girls' panties nowadays?! They all look like reverse thongs!! The front bits are so skinny and narrow, what are they supposed to be covering? And how is that going to be comfortable? We are trying to encourage them to potty train by saying "Underwear are so much more comfortable than a dirty wet diaper!" and then that is what we are offered?! I am seriously considering contacting someone about designing a proper pair of underwear for a little LADY, not a mini-hoochie.

2. Violence decreasing.

Okay, so she still swats, and pulls hair and clothes, and pushes and shoves, but it IS getting better. Prime example: we recently went and did a photo shoot with friends, including 3 other little ones the same age, and Sprout did absolutely amazing. The only time she made anyone cry, she was honestly just trying to hold her hand and get her to run or play "Ring around the roses". So proud. Still a work in progress.

Seedling

1. NO MORE MEDICATION!!

This is a huge one! Seedling is officially weaned completely off of his reflux medication as of two days ago, and he is doing fantastic! I can't wait to start solids and have him sitting upright more often, as that will just continue to decrease his discomfort (hopefully), and lessen the amount of puke I deal with on a daily basis.

2. Rollin', rollin', rollin'...talkin' talkin' talkin'.

What a chatty little mover I've got now! In the past two weeks, he has been pulling himself up to sitting in his bouncy chair, and he is constantly lifting his head and shoulders off the floor when he is laying on his back. He is rolling from tummy to back, and from side to side. It won't be long before the back-to-tummy flip starts happening. He can sit unsupported for a minute or so, but he gets along famously in his Bumbo chair or with a pillow (or Mommy) sitting behind him. He is extremely vocal (not a surprise, for those of you who know his big sister - she asks for snacks with "May I please have (blank), Mommy?" at 22 months old), and has been exploring all kinds of different sounds. I have found this shift a lot of fun, and so has Sprout. She can finally really interact with him, and loves having tummy time with her brother and bringing him toys to play with and reading him books and watching his reactions. She is constantly asking to hold him and rock him, and wants to help with every aspect that she can throughout the day. I am a very proud mama to both of them.

Okay, that's enough for today. Like I said, small victories, but they sure do help when it feels like things have been going wrong for a long time. Over the past year, I had a terrible pregnancy, challenging baby, headstrong violent toddler, postpartum depression, car breakdowns, and financial issues (some of all of these are definitely still present), but I really realize how much I have been distorting my reality and not focusing on the positive things that life has brought me.

I have two amazingly beautiful children, a wonderful husband who has supported me through all of my craziest times, a roof over my head, food to eat, a family who would do anything for me (especially you, Sis - the happiest of happy birthdays to you, today), and a car that...sucks...but drives. I have awesome friends that have been with me through thick and thin, and have made me laugh when I thought I couldn't even crack a smile some days. Thank you to everyone who has been trying to help me drag myself out of this gigantic hole over the past year. I'm not at the top of it yet, but I can definitely see the light of day.

Lastly, I don't talk about this a lot, but I need to thank God for helping me through my darkest time of my life. I don't think I have ever prayed as much as I have in the past year, and although the answers weren't always what I wanted, they were exactly what I needed.

Thank you for lighting up my days, Sprout & Seedling. Watching the two of you interact now just reaffirms what I thought at the beginning of my pregnancy: how awesome is it going to be for them to be so close in age. We are coming up to that 6 month mark in 5-ish weeks, and I know that from then on, time is really going to fly by, so I am just letting you know that I am going to try and take as much time as I can to slow down and really enjoy each of you in the stages you are at right now. I can't wait to watch you grow and learn more, Seedling, and at the same time, I just want to freeze my sweet little Sprout, with all her little nuggets of childhood wisdom that she shares. I love both of you with all of my heart, and I thank you for your patience while I have struggled to find mine.

xoxoxo

Mommy

Unrealistic expectations.

In our lives, there are times that we are thrown into situations completely out of our control. I believe, as human beings, that we crave that sense of control in our everyday lives to a certain extent. Personality tests and quizzes reveal that there are some who would like to control more than others, while the general population sits somewhere between OCD and lazy. There are many things in my life that I like to have control over, and where loss of control makes me feel a little chaotic and crazy.

Take having a second baby who spent the first 10 weeks screaming 18 hours a day. Chaos at its best, and it drove me absolutely bat-shit crazy. (Where did that expression come from, anyway?) What you have there is a prime example of a situation where we all lack control: our children.

U is for unrealistic expectations.

Okay, so maybe I had painted this beautiful, unrealistic picture in my head of what things were going to be like after Seedling arrived when I was on bed rest. For 8 weeks. Why not, right? All throughout my pregnancy, people kept telling me, "Oh, you'll never have another one like Sprout. She was the perfect baby! This baby is going to give you a run for your money!" WHY?! Why did everyone have to keep saying that? I persevered my whole pregnancy, responding with, "Well, you never know! Maybe this baby will be even better and I'll get some kind of respite from all the shit I've gone through this time around!" In my mind, I thought that I somehow deserved to have a good baby again, and that there was no way I was going to end up worse-off afterwards than I already had been for 36 weeks. Apparently I was wrong.

Here's where the control issue comes in. I expected to be able to control everything once Seedling made his yowly little debut: my body, my emotions, my husband, my house, my life, my Sprout, and, of course, Seedling himself. Highly unrealistic, but maybe part of it was from the whole 'Supermom' stigma that the media has created over the past 5 years. I felt like I had to be a Stepford wife, and that in itself is completely unrealistic (and ridiculous).

I recently joined a postpartum support group that has proven to actually be supportive (surprise, surprise), and went to talk to a local psychologist to gain some perspective on why it is I 'need' to control everything, and why I'm not seeming to cope as well as I 'should be able to'. Here's what I have learned so far:

- Since I got pregnant the time before Sprout, I have basically been dealing with pregnancy, miscarriage, loss of a close family member, the emotional fallout of becoming a first-time parent, pushing myself to pump full-time for Sprout for 8 months after not being able to breastfeed (she was a chomper-see previous blog postings), getting pregnant when she was 9 months, carrying through a horrible pregnancy, 8 weeks of bed rest, 5 separate pre-term labour episodes with 2 hospitalizations, a crazy baby who screamed almost 24 hours a day for 10 weeks, a sick baby who ended up in the hospital himself with severe reflux and choking issues, a mother-in-law who lived with me for 7 weeks and caused major emotional issues between my husband and I, the guilt that I've been carrying around about both Sprout & Seedling, and my poor little Sprout, who went from being this sweet little thing to having some intense behavioural issues that we still have yet to curb. (Best run-on sentence, ever. Eat that, grammar police.)

The psychologist I saw took a deep breath after I vented all of this at her in our first session, and said, "You know...I don't think this is postpartum depression - in the classical sense, anyway. Have you ever taken a look back at everything you've gone through and realized that you might just be recovering from a fairly traumatic past 3 years? Your son is only 2 1/2 weeks past the whole screaming thing...don't you think you should give yourself a little more credit, and a little more time to recuperate?"

Oh. Never really thought about it that way.

So I guess I'm not completely crazy, I just put waaaaaay too much pressure on myself and everyone around me (husband and kids included), and was desperately trying to control everything that was out of my control for a reason. I have also been way too hard on Sprout, and have had very unrealistic expectations in regards to her behaviour as well. She is also going through a tough adjustment period. It has been 14 weeks since Seedling was born, and for the 8 weeks before that, her little world was turned upside down with Mommy on bed rest and in and out of the hospital. That is 5 months out of a 21 month-old's little life. Of course she's going to be acting out! She is also almost 2, and a very precocious toddler. The phrase of the past week? "No way, Jose." She's also started 'exploring her voice' (screaming, growling, etc). Fun, huh?

I am determined to try and let a lot of the control issues fall away, but it is definitely difficult. I'm not saying that I shouldn't be in control of my own life, or that I am not trying to be a good parent, or wife, or friend. What I am saying is that I need to take a step back and let myself breathe and recover, however long that takes. Admit that I've had a rough time, and start rebuilding myself to try and get back to who I am. J, the psychologist, said that it is probably going to take at least 2-3 months for that shift to happen, and that it's not going to happen unless I let it (and let others support me while I'm taking those steps).

So if I've blown up at you, barked at you, yelled, cried, screamed, ignored, seemed quiet, withdrawn, or rude in the past few months, please forgive me (Sprout, Seedling, & husband included). It's getting better, but I know there were days when all I felt like doing was shoving a rag in everyone's mouth, putting earphones in, and blasting some old-school Nirvana. Or Hole.

Now for some awesome news: Sprout is 5 days into full-on potty training, and we've had ONE accident that proved to be very traumatic for her (the favourite 'rainbow' embroidered jeans got wet with pee and had to be taken off to get washed...she bawled for a half hour about it). She has over 40 stickers on her potty chart, and has been dry overnight for all but one night so far! I honestly couldn't be more proud of her for taking this huge step. I think it gives Sprout her own sense of control and makes her feel extremely proud of herself, which in turn makes me so happy. And hey, it's something out of my control, right? Take the diapers off, and I could have run her to the potty as many times as I wanted - if she wasn't telling me she had to go, or she didn't know how to 'hold it', it wasn't going to happen.

I am SO PROUD of you, my big-little Sprout! And Seedling, you too! Giggling, holding your head up, bouncing in your jumperoo, and just being generally so good during the days and nights...you're both growing up so quickly - another thing out of my control that makes me just want to freeze time some days! I love both of you with all of my heart.

xoxoxo

Mommy

Trouble, Tests, and Time.

This blog has been long overdue, and I have felt like I was going to burst recently if I didn't vent somewhere and let it all out. Let me just start by saying that it's been a hellish last 10 weeks, and things are just finally starting to fall into some semblance of a 'routine' that doesn't involve 18 hours of screaming and crying per day (myself and Sprout included).

T is for Trouble

I blogged about Seedling's reflux the last time I wrote, and since then, things have finally gotten better. He has grown a ton and started gaining weight again after a scary week or two on the Prevacid where he was losing weight and really not getting any better. Our ped has him on Losec now (Omeprazole), which is working absolute wonders. He still refluxes quite a bit, but he's not screaming when it's happening, so life is a little bit less deafening around here. Interestingly enough, my GP recommended trying Seedling on a probiotic drop called BioGaia, and that has been absolutely wonderful - after a few days, it pretty much eliminated his issues with passing gas and bowel movements, and they are much more regular. I have finally been able to enjoy having him around and interacting with him, and so has Sprout. That leads me to the next 'T' word of the day.

TESTS.

Why do all toddlers feel the need to test their boundaries. I know they're just learning about the world they live in and the crazy parents they have, but seriously...I've been about ready to snap the last little while. Sprout used to be this happy-go-lucky, super gentle, loving little bundle. Lately (I'm sure she's just rebelling because of the extra attention we've had to give Seedling), she has started acting out - BIG TIME. The kicker is, it's only happening when I am around. If I send her to Auntie's house for a day to play with the kids, the day is practically incident-free. What kind of 'incidents', you ask? Let me give a couple examples.

1: The Park.

While playing on the playground equipment (with me right there in case she falls - she's still such a klutz because her feet keep growing at astounding rates), she hauled down another little girl, younger than her, by her pigtails. No remorse, nothing. She didn't even get angry or throw a fit when I grabbed her and practically ran to the vehicle. No 'sorry' to the little girl or the mom, while I frantically kept apologizing, realizing that Sprout was that kid at the playground.

2. Auntie's House.

Sprout has a cute little friend that my sister watches who has very quickly become her favourite, and vice versa. Somewhat surprising, considering Sprout attacks her every time I am around and she is there, yanking handfuls of hair out of her poor little head, shoving her, pulling her clothes to haul her down, scratching and clawing at her face. Oh yeah. It's pretty terrible.

Now, I'm sure it's just a phase, but I've been having a really hard time finding disciplinary action that actually works. Verrrrrrry frustrating. I've been the good guy, the bad guy, the mean one, the sweet one. I've counted to three, stuck her in time out, taken away privileges, taken away toys, and only once, I actually pulled her hair (not hard, I definitely don't believe in spanking or violence as a mechanism for discipline) to try and show her that it hurts. All that did was make it into a bigger deal and now she talks about it all the time like I was the one who showed her how to do it. Total guilt trip from a 20 month old. Seriously ridiculous.

Speaking of guilt trips, the last part of this blog has to do with me. Yep, not talking about my kids anymore - think you can handle some real-life, crazy as shit, second-time-mommy-meltdown talk? Bring it on, you say?

Tick tock tick tock.

Everything gets better with time. Funny, my husband has been using the Trevor Project's "It Gets Better" slogan a ton lately in our house. That phrase really can be attributed to a lot of situations, mine included, but it sure doesn't make it easier when you're in the midst of all the craziness. I absolutely thought I was going crazy about a month ago. Certifiably, stick me in the nuthouse kind of crazy. I went through an entire dictionary's worth of emotions: sadness for not being able to do anything to stop Seedling from crying, anger that I couldn't stop it, angrier still that he would not stop, guilt for feeling angry because it's not his fault, resentment and feeling like I didn't want him anymore, crazy guilt for that - who doesn't want their own baby (apparently it's actually a more common emotion than I thought, especially with a difficult second child), guilt because of how much my bed rest and consequent high-maintenance new little brother have affected Sprout. The list could keep going on and on. I spent most of the time in tears, and still do occasionally. I have moments where I seem to have absolutely zero patience, and I have yelled at not only my toddler, my beloved Sprout, but at a helpless infant, my little sweet Seedling, who just laid there and screamed back at me with sad little tears rolling down his cheeks. That time, I definitely cried. Hard.

I completely understand now the feeling of picking up a screaming baby and thinking "I know exactly how someone could lose it and get out of control and shake their baby." It's terrible, and I know it is a fine line between the thought and the action, but believe me when I say I could NEVER actually do that to my child. What I am doing is trying to do things to help myself. It took a good 8 weeks plus for me to convey exactly how I was feeling to my husband, who kept on brushing it off and ignoring me when I said that I needed him to really see the big picture and understand that if he didn't start helping me more, I was going to fall apart. Things are finally getting better in that area, which is extremely helpful.

One of my biggest issues was my thyroid, which I didn't take care of for 6 weeks after I had Seedling (I was supposed to have it checked a week post-delivery). I have a disease called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - check Google if you want to know more details, but it is basically an autoimmune disorder where my body attacks my thyroid as if it were a foreign object, and therefore suppresses its function enough that I need to be on synthetic thyroxine (Synthroid). When I was pregnant, my dosage increased to almost double what I take when I am not, and for 6 weeks, I was still taking that high dose daily. What can taking too much Synthroid do? Cause anxiety, jitters, irritability, bowel and stomach issues, mimic signs of depression, and cause heart racing/palpitations. Check all of those off in my case. My GP isn't convinced that I have full-on postpartum depression, and we're waiting until my thyroid regulates to see if she thinks an anti-depressent med is necessary (which I am open to if she decides it is required). In the meantime, I have sought out some help for myself. I joined a mom's group and have met a few new friends, I am attending a postpartum support group starting next week, and I have an appointment set up for some private counselling as well. I am not the type of person to shy away from admitting when I need help - I have not been coping well, and I know it.

Things do get better with time, and they definitely have improved from where they were. I feel a lot more balanced and less irritable since starting a much lower dose of my meds, and now that Seedling's meds are working well, life for everyone in the house is a little less chaotic and frantic. Take tonight, for example. Both my kids were bathed and in bed by 9:00pm, even though Sprout was sick today with a fever and slept until 6:30pm during her afternoon nap. I am fortunate to have a great support system of family and friends around me, and a loving husband who puts up with all the crazy and the somewhat sane, but I know there are a ton of women out there who don't have anyone to turn to.

If any of you are reading this now, please know that you're not alone, and you are by no means crazy. You're not the first person to feel how you are feeling, and you're not the only one who is going through it at this precise moment. It is absolutely normal to feel anger, frustration, resentment, guilt, happiness, sadness, and love all at the same time towards your baby, whether they are the first, second, third, or more. The thing is, you have to know what to do with it. If you're not doing well, be the first one to admit it. Hiding your emotions and bottling them up will do nothing good for you or your baby, or your marriage or relationship for that matter. I can see now that the right combination of difficult baby, terrible-twos toddler, and postpartum depressed mom could have the potential to ruin a perfectly good marriage/relationship. Find someone to talk to, even if it's not someone professional. I have even discovered that a friend of mine with a baby born close to the same time has been going through a lot of the same things as me, by being open and talking candidly about how I have really been feeling. There is no good reason to go through something like this alone. Call your public mental health unit and ask to speak to someone there if you think that you might be suffering from PPD, or go and talk to your family doctor if you have one. There are so many avenues that you can go down for help. Just make sure you seek out help before you get out of control.

Sigh. Okay. Now I feel better. Venting is so good. Ahhhh.

So there you have it. I'm going to go and get ready for bed now, seeing as how it's 10:45pm and both my kids have been sleeping since 9-ish and the tiniest one is asleep in his crib (yay!). Sprout and Seedling, please know that you are my reason for living. Even though some days it seems like Mommy doesn't have a fraction of the patience I usually do, it is in no way a reflection on how much I love you. My beautiful Sprout - you have grown into such a little lady over the past few months - I barely recognize you with your long golden curls and your sassy 3 and 4 word full sentences. Your memory and cognition continue to astound me every single day, and I absolutely love to watch you dance and sing to your favourite songs (Dynamite, Tightrope, Umbrella, Sugar Sugar, Hey Baby, Oh My My, and Single Ladies). I can't wait to start dance class with you in September. And you, my sweet tiny Seedling...where do I even start? You are such a bright, beautiful little boy. I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect little face, and when you smile, it lights up my heart more than I could have ever imagined when you were fighting to stay in my tummy. Both of you make me so proud to be your Mommy, and I can't wait to see what the next year will bring. I know that time goes by quicker than I always expect, and that every day, week, and month will bring exciting new things for all of us. I love you both with all of my heart. Thank you for giving me this time to vent - Mommy will be a little less crazy tomorrow now. Sleep well, tiny darlings.

xoxoxo

Mommy